I got asked to write an essay once on “All about You”. It was for my new form teacher she wanted to know a little more about us. Mine was the only one where instead of saying what my favourite things were and what I looked like I actually answered with what I thought about myself.
It wasn’t pretty reading.
I was 15 years old.
If I had such negative feelings about myself then is it any wonder that I struggle with putting a positive spin on myself now; some 30 year later?
And it has got me thinking about my boys, in particular my eldest.
He lacks confidence. He says to me, on a more regular basis than I like how useless he is and how he wishes sometimes that he was dead (I don’t react well to that particular commentary).
And I worry.
What if he grows up to have depression like me?
What can I do to prevent it?
Could I be the problem?
And what should I do?
The Boy has been dealt a mean hand: Absence Seizures and Dyslexia. It’s a cracking little combo and we took a while to work out exactly what was going on.
For both though my main aim is to get him more confident. Get him to feel good about himself. But boy is it exhausting. Sometimes I want to shake him out of it, make him know what a fabulous boy he is in an instant because then it would be brilliant for him, life would be easy and he would quite literally fly!
Instead though, I try to get him interested in things that he could be good at and bolster him like mad, much to the detriment of my youngest who has to shout for my attention from the side-lines.
I feel so utterly useless as a parent sometimes and I dread the thought that he may develop depression because of me.