Friday, 25 January 2013

All my lost ones...


Bog Boy

There’s a bit in the movie Marley & Me where they go to the doctors because they have ‘not’ been trying to have a baby and Jen is nearly 10 weeks pregnant. They’re having an ultrasound and he’s goofing about wanting to know the sex of the baby and he says: “I don’t mind what sex the baby is, as long as he’s OK”
The sonographer says that the heartbeat will sound a little fast but that’s normal and then, then it's not so funny for you don't hear the thrum of the heartbeat, there’s no sound at all and she gets up to go out and the main doctor man comes in and you just know it’s going to be bad.
I know that feeling.
It happened to me.
And so now seeing it all, and knowing what the character is going through, I start to cry.
I hear my little boy pipe up from the sofa where he’s engrossed watching to say: “They don’t get a baby this time but she goes on to have three Mum!”
And still the tears drip down my face.
I remember every one of mine, the ones I didn’t have but it’s OK I had two, two glorious boys but every now and then I wonder about my lost babies.
It got to the stage when I didn’t go to the hospital when I miscarried. I just carried on. The hospital couldn’t do anything about it and I hated it there. I hated the atmosphere, the sterile empathy, the fact that I had failed and there would be no baby. I used to glower at all expectant mums-to-be, I was so angry I wanted to know why me? Why not someone else. I am sure some of the women who saw me metaphorically crossed themselves to ward off the evil eye. But I wouldn't have wished it on them really, not really. But I was so jealous.
I had seven miscarriages in total. Three before The Boy and four before Bog Boy.
In fact after the last miscarriage I said that was it, no more. And then of course I got pregnant and do you know what? I didn’t want to be pregnant. I hated it.
I railed to my friend, who so desperately wanted another that I couldn’t stand to go through it all again. I was scared I’d lose it and I was angry that I had got myself into a situation where I could be hurt.
It was a hideous pregnancy, I was as sick as a dog for the first couple of months then I got pneumonia then they thought it was likely to have Downs Syndrome. Do you know they wanted me to have an amniocentesis - with my history of miscarriage??!!!
It was simply awful and the pressure I felt under to make me have the tests which could lead me to miscarry was enormous. It was if they felt that it was better to suffer the collateral damage of losing a healthy child than to bring a potentially disabled one into the world.
Luckily we stood firm and when they allowed us to have a scan with their new 'soopah doopah' all singing and all dancing scanning machine they could see that all was fine and ‘normal’.
For us that was not the point, we'd talked it over, we didn’t mind, we were just happy finally to be having another child.
And what a child he is…

9 comments:

Jen Walshaw said...

You know what this is so pertinent for me. Last night we were all sat discussing the football match the boys are going to tomorrow and my husband said, oh we have ate in a certain restaurant at this town when you were pregnant. So Maxi thought it meant when he was in my tummy. Alas it was one of my miscarriages, one where I m/c twins at 20 weeks. We tried to explain that it was long before Maxi was born and he said he would have liked an older sibling, but was glad that he had Mini. I am sad that I lost potential children, but so glad I have the two I do.

Denise Nesbitt said...

I couldn't have children as I was very very ill and had to have a full hysterectomy shortly after we were married. I have complex feelings about everything.

Rob-bear said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your plight, TW. Exhausting and excruciating. You were very fortunate to have two lads (though you seem a bit dubious about raising boys).

Blessings and Bear hugs.

Beadzoid said...

Quite a poignant post for me today this, and I completely remember that bit in Marley and Me too as I cried for the same reasons, Tattie.

I have one child. Had the sick as a dog pregnancy, the premature birth, and a few miscarriages. But really early ones. I couldn't even get to the scan stage, which for some stupid reason made me feel worse (irrational, best to lose early I know). So today I had a coil fitted which will take me up to the age of 40. I could be sad, but I feel about my daughter as you do about your son - what a wonderful child to be blessed with.

I feel like I've been dealt a slightly rough hand in this respect, but I know how lucky I am to have one perfect little lady :)

Ps you're brave to write about it. I'm happy to refer to it in comments but haven't dared do so in my blog. Good on you xx

Pam said...

Wow. People go through a lot. It reinforces to be gentle with others as you don't know what they are going through. I find smug difficult to deal with, but who knows when even the most painfully smug amongst us are a step away from misfortune. Our experiences often make us humble and compassionate.
As of a few days ago, I've worked in disability most of my life. That's a huge area of complex emotions of what could have/would have been, and yet, in that area, I've never laughed and smiled as much - or privately cried for families also, often in their bereavement. It too is complex.
Best to go with the laughter, and understand the tears.
I'm sure the hospital staff go through the whole spectrum also.
I've never had a miscarriage, but could only have one child. Most grateful - miscarriages would be devastating emotionally no matter why or when they occur.
I found your post interesting and touching Tattie, as are the comments on a very sensitive area of life.

Suburbia said...

Traumas never leave us and hide just below the surface, rearing their ugly head just when you don't want them to.

I'm sorry for your many losses.

Elizabeth said...

It is so little talked about yet so many women, or perhaps most women (including me), have been through at least one miscarriage. Great that you write about it. If we learn to talk about these events we will be able to help each other through them.

Expat mum said...

I was lucky enough never to go through this but I do remember one friend who had nine miscarriages (and one full-term baby in there.) She would miscarry around the 9-10 week mark every time, and with her last pregnancy she was so sure she'd lose it, she had a few drinks with me and generally just wasn't as careful as she'd normally be.
Having moved to a different state, her new doctor couldn't understand her hysterical tears when she learned that she was actually a good month further along than she thought, - and went on to have another miracle baby. It made me realise how lucky I've been, even though when I had my last "surprise" baby I didn't always feel lucky!

Helpful Mum said...

This struck a chord with me to. I had three miscarriages before getting pregnant with my son. The treatment I received after the first one was so bad that I didn't go to hospital the next two times. We were due to go for fertility tests the week i found I was pregnant. Both pregnancies have been awful in terms of sickness but I have two beautiful babies whom I adore more than anything.

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