Monday, 27 December 2010

Depression: Today I looped….


Today I looped, saw red, blew my very short fuse and at the children too. Come off it when is it not at the children? The culmination of my Christmas, year in year out is down to when it happens. Some years I get all the way past New Year, this year it was today.
Every year I say: “Do you know what I just can’t do this.” And every year I get ignored. Maybe I am not shouting enough, maybe because I usually manage to keep a grip on it for a lot longer, maybe because it is disguised that it is easy to ignore me or just maybe it is all too much for them to bear and so much easier just to let it all slide so then there is only one person to blame, me.
I dread it every year knowing that it will happen but just not when. Last year I managed to hold it together until 18th January just after I hosted my mother-in-law’s 70th. I limped on for two months after that but by the time I got to my son’s birthday I had had it and fell into a massive decline. I rose out of it slightly only to plunge back down again until about October. It was a rough year.
So today I looped. I looped because I am unable to keep some semblance of order in my life. Too many things are out of control and I find it horribly difficult to keep focussed. I have the in-laws arriving in two days’ time, no plans and no food. People have dropped out of New Year without telling me properly and I have only just found out. That should be good with less people but in my fractured world any changes however minor can really set me back.
I need to clean the house get everything ordered and safe. I chose today to clear up and get everyone else to clear up too and then I noticed all the toys and paper and dirt and stuff everywhere. Loads and loads of stuff and I couldn’t cope. I looped and trashed the play room ranting about too many toys and too much mess before falling in a sobbing heap. My boys stared at me with round eyes.
Bog Boy asked me why did I do it and I had no answer for him. He said I scared him. All this form a four and a half year old. He still hugged me but I feel that he has decided that I am too difficult to bother with. I wish I could get a handle on the black dog the rages and control them. I think that next year I will look at ways to reduce the stress. I will say no and I will try not to get myself in the position whereby I am trying to please everyone and land up pleasing no one.

8 comments:

Jude said...

Christmas can be a tough time for everyone, particularly when you have guests. We don't have a play room, so you should see the state of our living room at the moment....(or rather you shouldn't). Sometimes I think it would be so much easier just to go away at Christmas time. We all set ourselves such unecessarily high standards, and it's bound to cause stress.

Tattie Weasle said...

JUde - You are so right we set far too high standards and basically they are unattainbale unless you have loads and loads of servants! Likuing teh idwa of going away fro Christmas but then again I do love it just not the comong out of it bit...

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

Look after yourself! Just hug the boys and go with the flow and everything will be fine .

resewn sally said...

Oh honey. I've been there. Had a mini one this morning and screamed at other half and toddler. Please don't hate yourself. The amount of stress at this time of year is tough for anyone to cope with! Especially when you get lumped with New Year to organise too. Try to take time out to look after yourself. I know it's easier said than done. ((hugs))
Sal. X

Iota said...

They're easy targets. That's why we are angry with our children. I'm just discovering (I think) what it is I'm really angry about, and it goes back years. I hope that will help me stop the anger inappropriately leaking out in the direction of those who don't deserve it.

Does that make sense?

Mummysquared said...

Poor you - Christmas can be soooo difficult! It is tricky when you are housebound and the in-laws are on their way. eek! It'll all come out in the wash. Keep smiling
:)

Rob-bear said...

Oh, I can entirely understand this. And, yes, it is worse than horrific. Been there; haven't quite done what you did; have similar scars. I'm just so, so sad you terrified the boys in the process.

"Who does depression hurt? Everyone." That's a bit from a tv "commercial" here across the pond about depression and getting help. Very true, indeed.

Hope your 2011 is much, much better.

Blessings and Bear hugs.

mollygolver said...

Tattie - your comment to Jude answered your own dilemma. We do set too high expectations on the perfect Christmas, which it never is for any of us. A big purple hug from me. xxx

Go on you know you want to...

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