An apologist…

I am an apologist. And I hate it.

If something goes wrong even if I didn’t do it I say sorry. I am always apologising.

I so want to be liked and thought well of that I can go to extraordinary lengths to ensure everyone is OK with it. I worry about it.

I hate people getting me wrong so apologise even when it is probably quite unnecessary and it makes me, well it makes me out to be a wimp. It makes people think I have no backbone and that I am weak.

It makes people suspicious. I mean, why say sorry if you haven’t done anything wrong?

It’s a shocking habit because frequently I am not sorry for what I have done or said and in fact I would like to go a lot further however I apologise instead.

I like to think I weigh up the options and try to look at the bigger picture. Mostly I don’t feel like taking the flak as it is just too exhausting.

Should I stick to my guns and have a pyric victory or shall I just say sorry and shut up? I try to remember what Denis Thatcher used to say: “Better to say nothing and be thought a fool rather than open your mouth and confirm it…”

It doesn’t always work.

I apologise for myself because I mostly think that I am rather a silly person, that other people are better than I, that to be honest I really haven’t a clue what I am doing. So I hesitate, open my mouth in panic, stumble over my tongue and look aghast at the product and inevitably say sorry.

Maybe it’s a word I should ban from my repertoire?

Maybe other people aren’t so concerned about what others think

Maybe I should stop being so concerned myself…easier said than done.

Strange how one doesn’t change the older one gets…Sorry!