There are days, weeks even when the amount of time you are allowed to stand still is negligible; the next few days are like that and I am scared. I am scared I have stretched myself too thin and the whole edifice that is my life will come crashing down with all the familiar detrius that is a depressive episode.
I know that if I get too tired and stressed I am basically gagging for it and yet when are our lives ever not at full tilt. I have two boys, I have school runs, homework, laundry, a house, dogs, chickens, a husband and heck I have work to do as well. How on earth can I slow down?
I expect everyone has the same or at lease variations on a theme. The life of a modern mother/wife is hectic and it rarely lets up. And sometimes everything happens at once. Such is life.
Today I have had people in doing stuff which has necessitated me running about nodding sagely here, pointing out errors there and advising in my capacity as project manager of three differnt things while making sure that The Boy doesn't get too bored on his enforced day away from school following yet another bout of the vomiting virus. There's been teh hosuework, my work and of course the school runss to fit in as well as a trip to the vet for my ailing cat ( the news was not hopeful). The icing on today's cake happened to be a talk to the WI on my adventures before I decided on the life I now lead.
Tomorrow doesn't look much better with more of the same from a variety of builders and carpenters, the imminent arrival of the chaps doing the hedges (a left over from before the big freeze) and the fact that I have to go to Addenbrooks for an Epilepsy check -up with the Boy subject to him NOT throwing up in the wee hours. I will also have to take his younger brother and I doubt I will be back before 7pm when I have a friend's daughter popping round so I can help her go through her personal statement for University.
Please will someone tell me why I do all this? Shouldn't I have learnt by now? Why is it so difficult to say No?
13 comments:
I can't offer advice but I can offer support. I have exactly the same existence, exactly the same 'illness'. I read recently that it is actuallyy the strongest, most highly functioning personalities that suffer so with depression. Little consolation when all you want is to pull the covers over your head and forget the world.
As I do just the same, it would be rather false of me to suggest any other sort of behaviour.... HOWEVER... recently I have taken to spending half an hour alone every day. EVERY DAY!! And it has made all the difference. I bet you are thinking... how in hell will I fit THAT in. Try. Really. Cos it makes such a difference. No phone. No computer. Just you and your thoughts. Am v. similar and will fill my days with such things that will surely make me resentful. And that half hour makes the sanity creep back in. Oh, and I pray too... xxx
I can totally relate and sympathise.I suffer from PND and I recently split from my husband.What have I have learnt is you shouldn't expect yourself to do everything and you can say no and you shouldn't feel guilty for doing so.It doesn't make you a bad person nor a bad mother.take care of you for a change x
So sorry to hear all this. It really is "Bah! Humbug!"
The good news is that you didn't hit the ground flat and just lie there. That's good. That's better than what I've been doing some days, recently.
I'm actually getting into the space of Ladybird World Mother. A lot of the old resiliencies that I used to count on to get me going aren't working so well, so I'm trying some new strategies.
Blessings and Bear hugs!
Eek I can feel the stress oozing out of that blog Tattie, and know only too well the depths of depression and the hopeless feeling that when it descends all you can do is grit your teeth and hope that it will pass soon, as nothing seems to lift it when it is there, it comes and goes freely of its own accord, and refuses to be controlled...I can't offer any advice but agree with Spencer Park...hold onto that, you are there for your boys and doing a fab job...and you are not alone... Posie
I can't offer you any advice on depression but, reading your post, it seems you probably say yes to things a bit too often. Having a normal busy day is bad enough but it's the other stuff that creeps in - the WI talk etc, which shows you maybe need to be a bit more selfish and just say No.
It's not the same at all, but I kept getting bogged down with all the publicity jobs for my local am-dram society. Eventually I stuck to my guns, said I was having a year off and they would have to find someone else. Of course, despite their worries, they did! And I'm free. Bliss.
I appreciate you can't offload all of your responsibilities but maybe you can prioritise the important stuff?
It won't last forever. At the time it feels as if it will but children grow up so quickly, too quickly.
Have you tried these light lamp things for depression, I have just been hearing that they are quite miraculous.
It's so hard being a great Mum but you clearly are doing a great job, despite feeling ground down. Try and prioritise a little - it sounds a little smug doesn't it, sorry, but I know it helps me if I write down a list of things I have to do before I go to bed then I have about 5 mins quiet time to contemplate in my own mind just how important each thing on that list is, and what can be put off for another day, or even for ever. Also you must learn to say No sometimes - as Trish has said it is a great feeling of freedom when you do.
Oh Tattie.
I'm sitting here nodding my head in agreement. I could have written your post myself.
I think you should try to stop beating yourself up and take comfort that you are not alone. We are all with you. It's good to blog your feelings. And you've had some good advice. Take some 'me' time out - even if it's only 15 minutes. Be kind to yourself. You're worth it.
x
Sometimes the business is thrust on us rather than us vonunteering for it though, so don't be too hard on yourself. Yes, you could probably volunteer for fewer projects, but if you have workmen and sick children, you can't exactly opt out of that.
Today I have had a locksmith, a plumber and a heating person all poling around my house, asking questions, giving me quotes and tutting in disapproval at the state of things. My head is spinning.
You're right, it is the life of the modern mother. Why do we let this happen? How can we keep better control over our worlds? Is it because we always think we need to do more than we do? I don't know.
When I get like this I just try to make sure I get one job done at a time if I can, rather than multitask. Then at least I feel I have achieved something and moved forward each day.
xox
Sorry, that was me posting anonymously because I forgot to enter any details. Doh.
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