Feelgood Monday - What better way to start the week!

It's cold, wet and windy here in Suffolk and not very pleasant but these got me giggling again!

Lost in translation….

• In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN
• Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
• Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
• Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
• In a Nairobi restaurant:CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
• On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
• On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP. 
• In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
• In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
• Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
• On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
• In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
• Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
• Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
• In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
• A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
• Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
• Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
• Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

And finally....

• A Laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

I just can't help it...

Do you think I'm just being a tease? I don't mean to be. The intention is honest, really it is. I don’t mean to lead them on but I can't help it. I try not to flirt too openly. I don’t want to get a reputation and it’s not as though I’m the only one doing it. Loads of us do. Loads of us are trollops.

It’s not as though they are only chasing me either. They even want to get my friends involved but I think that is a step too far I mean I don’t want to presume that my friends aren’t already doing it anyway.

Look, I have to get my fix somehow and it’s far too dangerous to actually hit the high street anymore. I'm talking about shopping here. What else did you think? It's a serious business shopping adn it's getting harder and harder to resist. I mean wherever I turn there are sales going on, prices slashed. Blue ticket days for 72 hours only. I mean what is a girl to do?

There is a strong streak of the hunter/gatherer in me and I am a sucker for a bargain at the shops, especially clothes shops. If I go out I have to come back with something. It's just not right if I don't.

So lately I have been collecting catalogues either in the shops or on-line to assuage my craving. Graham & Green, Boden, Aspace, White Company, Crewe, Joules, Lakeland and they are all free. I get that immediate fix and then I can peruse at my leisure and it's just wonderful especially as I had to give up my annual subscriptions to all my favourite magazines in the latest round of household finance cuts.

I know my name is on every list going and I dread to think what would happen if they all decided to get together and view my shopping habits recently or lack of shopping habits to be more precise.

They have all tried so hard bombarding me with e-mails and offers and money off vouchers but I hate to admit guys I just can’t. I can’t go all the way with you I have no money to spare for the gorgeous fripperies you desperately want me to buy.

I promise though as soon as I can I will. I will succumb to your offers. I will do it but you see I have to be sure that I am getting a bargain. I have to be sure that this really is the best deal out. A never to be repeated experience.

And I have to make sure that my husband doesn’t find out….

Bringing up Boys: Just me and him

It's just me and him tonight.
Bog Boy and me.
He's asleep now spread eagled across the double bed. Bang in the middle. Out like a light.
He looks so beautiful my little boy. Still young enough to zonk out without a care in the world but big enough to know how to get his own way...and tonight I let him.
No big brother.
No daddy to get in teh way.
Just him and me.
He's been thoroughly spoilt. Picked up by his Godfather and treated to a massive bag of cheesy curls and a lemonade because he just gets SOOOOO hungry on the way home from school and he couldn't possibly wait the thrity minutes it takes to drive home.
He's eaten his supper on front of the TV. Luxuriated in his mother's bath with lavender soak. And wheedled his way in to the bed with three teddies and now four dogs.
And it's great!
Snatching moments for us just to be together.
No interruptions.
No sharing.
He'll forget in two seconds tehre's so much going on in his world but me, I'll cherish these moments forever.

How much do you drink? And should I be worried?

It’s the end of a day and the children are in bed. It’s been exhausting, what with fetching and carrying, feeding and watering, work, play and everything in between.

I need a treat.

A lovely glass of chilled wine to wind down.

But it doesn’t stop there does it.

It’s usually a couple of glasses of wine.

Sometimes it’s three quarters of a bottle.

Occasionally a whole bottle.

It is not a good state of affairs.

I didn’t used to drink this much and I certainly didn’t drink on my own

But things have been creeping up on me and I need to face the reality that I am drinking too much.

I have cut it down somewhat by having spritzers but whereas I used to have the occasional glass during the week I now seem to have a couple of glasses a night.

It has all become far too convenient.

Wine is relatively cheap.

It comes in a screw top bottle.

And now I read it is also available by the glass at M&S and in Tetrapaks which may be all well and good for the environment but won’t be any good for me.

I mean a Tetrapak is just like having it in a box, I won’t be able to frighten myself with how much I’ve drunk because I won’t be able to see how much I have drunk until the Tetrapak is empty. Not that I ever got through a whole box.

It doesn’t help having friends over either. J usually drops in of an evening before he goes home (he works in the barn) and whereas we used to have a cup of tea we now tend to have a glass or two.

I suppose I encourage it by offering and really I should not. But if truth be known it is a way of getting him to stay longer, putting off the moment for me when I will be on my own until the following day. Dear Charlie doesn’t come home during the week anymore and while I know this is for the best, it makes the evenings yawn ahead and I don’t really know what to do with myself.

Should I be worried or is it merely a blip while I get accustomed to the new way of life?

Feelgood Monday - What better way to start the week!

I am tryoing not to cry with laughter at some of these...hope you enjoy them too! Happy Monday!

• 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 524-0960. Leave mess.
• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
• Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
• Great Dames for sale.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
  Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

I apologise: it’s Friday and the all the dogs are in my office…

Tigger waiting for the Postman

I apologise now to anyone who is going to call me on the telephone and to anyone I telephone today. The reason is that when I do call you can bet your bottom dollar that the postman will arrive.

Now it’s not the postman’s fault that he will arrive right in the middle of a telephone call and nor is it his fault that he will set my dogs off.

Normally I contain this sort of event to the kitchen but today all my dogs are in my office because they pleaded with me and I gave in.

So in advance I apologise for the eruption of noise which will make it impossible for me to hear who is on the other end of the telephone and I also apologise for the sounds emanating from my end of the said telephone.

I apologise for the language used both canine and human. For the ensuing dog fight  as they all try to crowd each other out on the window sill.

I apologise to the postman for yet again terrifying him with my unruly mob and no I don’t think them jumping out of the window and chasing your van down the drive does constitutes hunting with hounds. Don’t even think about reporting me….

If my boss calls I apologise for not hearing that my deadline is due and for negotiating an extension through to next week.

I apologise to anyone asking for me to pay bills or even reminding me; I didn’t quite catch that and I will call next week.

Promise.

Finally I apologise to the Chuggers, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and anyone else taking a punt to approach me in my den thinking that just because I live in a big house I have cash to splash, I will not hear you over the noise and you must believe me when I yell that there’s no one here, I’m a devout catholic and I’ve already installed it.

To anyone else you know me and you know the dogs, the back door is open so pop the kettle on…