Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Being Mum

My Boy and Whippet
It's been twelve years - twelve years today to be exact.
The ultimate Mother's day.
I remember vividly what I was doing at this exact time all those years ago.
Feeling completely and utterly lost.
I had had a long birth - three days and after an emergency cesarean and all the excitement of  finally holding my baby boy, introducing him to the rest of the family, I was suddenly left alone.
I stared out into the far night from the third floor hospital window searching down onto the car park, trying to make out where my husband and Mum were, desperately wanting them come back and not leave me alone in this place. I wanted to go home now.
My brain was not functioning and thinking about what had happened was far beyond me.
My baby boy was not even in the room to remind me of my very changed circumstances; he was in the nursery under the watchful gaze of the midwives so that I could get some rest.
But I couldn't rest.
And I couldn't stop the tears from falling either.
I was just too exhausted.
I wanted my mum.
It didn't occur to me at all that I was a mum as well.
I went from being me to being more than just me, but my brain took a while to adjust.
(It still does from time to time.)
It was sometime early in the morning the following day (though to be honest all the days and nights had melded together and I had no idea 'when' anything was) that The Boy was wheeled into me for a feed. I can't say my heart leapt.
I was mildly curious.
I think I was also disappointed.
I expected there to be this sudden rush of love at the mere sight of him and this magical transference of knowledge allowing me to know what it was I was expected to be doing - no such luck in either case.
I think I panicked a bit about that, then dismissed this mother love thing that everyone had ranted on about as just tosh. I had felt no rushing feeling of love when I saw him. I was just devoid of anything.
However, that is not something you should admit to, so I didn't. I made what I thought were all the right noises. I did as I was told. I smiled and held him as directed. But I felt untouched by his presence.
However, my curiosity grew in spite of myself, my tentativeness with him lessened as he lay in my arms heavy with sleep.
I relaxed.
He was small and wrinkly and really rather skinny and long and sort of squashed looking. His skin was loose but so soft. His shock of dark hair surprising and he smelled good.
He was so real.
I lay that night in my bed with him just resting beside me. In utter silence; and I just watched. I didn't talk to him. I just lay there curiously assessing him.
You see there is this thing called mother love, it is very real but it can as easily take you unawares as much as it rushes straight at you.
For me it was all unawares
The slow burn of passion had started, I just didn't know it.
It grew on me.
Entwined itself about my heart.
Indelibly stained my whole life.
I was a mum and nothing in the whole of my life would ever be the same again...



SmitoniusAndSonata said...

Happy Birthday, Big Boy
Yes , I can remember being somewhat alarmed by the assumption that I'd know what to do ... Only later did I discover that no one does . Still , it turned my first into a tough little cookie , capable of surviving almost anything !

Expat mum said...

Three days? Good grief you poor thing. Happy Birth Day to you both. x

Ladybird World Mother said...

Oh, Tattie, that is so lovely. What a post. Happy birthday to you both... if you see what I mean. Long time no read,see, etc. Hope you're all well.... big hugs xxxxxxxxxx

LeeAnn at Mrs Black's said...

What an honest and lovely tribute to Motherhood. Wonderful! x

Katie @mummydaddyme said...

What a beautiful, honest and heart warming post on motherhood. Happy Mothers Day! x

Unknown said...

SmitoniusAndSonata - Thank you! Yep the first born is always a work in progress! I should know I was experimented on by my parents for years until my sister came along!!!
Expat Mum - To be honest I don't remember much of it - and it couldn't have been that bad as I went on to have a second! Gluttons for punishment we are!
Ladybird World Mother - SO good to hear from you! Hope you guys are all well too...keep in contact!
LeeAnn at Mrs Black's - Thank you. Mothers Day is a bit special and you never forget your first!
Katie - You are too kind. Hope you had a lovely day too!

Elizabeth said...

I can really relate to your post. I went to sleep after all the drama and when I woke I had almost forgotten I had a daughter. It felt as if a body part had been removed, but I wasn't sure what - nor was I very curious. Just exhausted.
It does take time but once there, Mother-love is tenacious!

Mobile App Developers said...

What you're saying is completely true. I know that everybody must say the same thing, but I just think that you put it in a way that everyone can understand. I'm sure you'll reach so many people with what you've got to say.

Go on you know you want to...


Blog Widget by LinkWithin