Just have a laugh!

Sometimes you get sent things that just make you laugh at the absurditiy of life; today I laughed 'til I cried. It was great!

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
•  Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camerathese days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
•  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
• Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum.
•  Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
•  Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why is 'simplification' such a long word?
• If the bride wears white on the happiest day of her life, why does the groom wear black?
•  What cruel sadist decided to put an 's' in the word "Lisp"...?
• Why isn't there another word for Thesaurus?
• If the product you're advertising is so much better than the leading brand, why isn't it the leading brand?
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
•  Going to church does not make you any more of a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• The Evening News is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
• When I fill in a form that asks who to contact in an emergency I put DOCTOR.
• When you send something by car it's called a shipment, when it goes by ship it's a cargo. 
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• Hope you had a good one - it's good for the soul!