Depression: Today I looped….

Today I looped, saw red, blew my very short fuse and at the children too. Come off it when is it not at the children? The culmination of my Christmas, year in year out is down to when it happens. Some years I get all the way past New Year, this year it was today.

Every year I say: “Do you know what I just can’t do this.” And every year I get ignored. Maybe I am not shouting enough, maybe because I usually manage to keep a grip on it for a lot longer, maybe because it is disguised that it is easy to ignore me or just maybe it is all too much for them to bear and so much easier just to let it all slide so then there is only one person to blame, me.

I dread it every year knowing that it will happen but just not when. Last year I managed to hold it together until 18th January just after I hosted my mother-in-law’s 70^th. I limped on for two months after that but by the time I got to my son’s birthday I had had it and fell into a massive decline. I rose out of it slightly only to plunge back down again until about October. It was a rough year.

So today I looped. I looped because I am unable to keep some semblance of order in my life. Too many things are out of control and I find it horribly difficult to keep focussed. I have the in-laws arriving in two days’ time, no plans and no food. People have dropped out of New Year without telling me properly and I have only just found out. That should be good with less people but in my fractured world any changes however minor can really set me back.

I need to clean the house get everything ordered and safe. I chose today to clear up and get everyone else to clear up too and then I noticed all the toys and paper and dirt and stuff everywhere. Loads and loads of stuff and I couldn’t cope. I looped and trashed the play room ranting about too many toys and too much mess before falling in a sobbing heap. My boys stared at me with round eyes.

Bog Boy asked me why did I do it and I had no answer for him. He said I scared him. All this form a four and a half year old. He still hugged me but I feel that he has decided that I am too difficult to bother with. I wish I could get a handle on the black dog the rages and control them. I think that next year I will look at ways to reduce the stress. I will say no and I will try not to get myself in the position whereby I am trying to please everyone and land up pleasing no one.