Feelgood Monday - What better way to start the week

Don't get me wrong I love my boys but this had me laughing so much I cried....

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear marmite on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fishfinger behind the sofa and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego. (If Lego is not available, substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Shopping Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you shopping. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers...

 

Thing's Mum's would never say..

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

Basking and Droughts

Jack Russel Maud: Basking

We’re all at it.

Basking.

The dogs, the chickens, the pigeons. the moorhen. Not in the same place I hasten to add –that would be a miracle. But we are all enjoying the sunshine and warmth after a few cold grey days.

But I am worried.

I love the sunshine, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that we are in a drought area and while it may be glorious today I am concerned that in a few months’ time it will look more like the Navarro Desert out there.

I am not looking forward to it. It was bad enough last year with me spending up to 3 hours a night watering the newly planted hedges and trying to keep the vegetable plot alive.

This year we already know that we have a hosepipe ban starting on April 5^th – just in time for Easter.

So I am strategically planning and I can add another 10 water butts to the 8 we already have round the barn. I dread to think of the capital outlay but in order to keep my precious plants alive I think it will be worth the investment. It is going to be a lot of hard work fitting everything and then praying for a little rain.

If we don’t get the rain then I’ll just fill the butts up with water from the condenser in my drying machine the washing up bowls and of course the bath. I had better change my cleaning liquids to organic ones so my plants don’t die when I use the water.

I am trying to think ahead.

While trying to remember the Drought of 1976.

I am that old.

I do remember it being very hot. Hot all day and hot all night.

I remember having to share baths and having a plumb line which we couldn’t go over.

I remember going to the seaside.

I remember the great big cracks in the ground and everything drooping and being brown.

The ponds and rivers drying up and the dead fish.

As I said I am not looking forward to it….but damn me I am going to be prepared!

Feelgood Monday - What better way to start the week!

These got me laughing on this grey, cold Monday!

• "I am very detail-oreinted."
• "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
• "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
• "I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
• "Served as assistant sore manager."
• "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
• "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
• "Special skills: Thyping."
• "Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."
• "I can play well with others."
• "I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."
• "Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
• "My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
• "I eat computers for lunch."
• "Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."
• "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
• "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
• "I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."
• "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
• "I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."
• "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
• "Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state."
• "I love dancing and throwing parties."
• "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."
• "I am a rabid typist."
• "Special Skills: Speak English
• "Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."
• "Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."
• "Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."
• "Typing Speed: 756 wpm."
• "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
• "Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."
• "My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."
• "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!
• "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business
• "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
• "Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."
• "Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

Temptation, thrills and flooded lanes...

It’s raining.

A lot.

Which is good

Because we need the rain.

But it’s bad

Because I think I may have to give into temptation and I don’t think that is wise.

The temptation in question is whether or not to drive my car through the seriously big puddles on the lanes.

You know the ones

They stretch for about 20 or 30 yards and fill the lane side to side.

The boys spy them and then get wildly overexcited

“Go on Mum! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!” they chant.

And the temptation is so great

Foot down, second gear and drive straight without stopping, remembering where the lane dips driving on the upside first then the down keeping to the shallowest waters.

Now this was OK when I had Dora Disco the Land Rover and indeed OK when the field drains weren’t working as well as they do now. But with torrents of water spewing from all sides into the lane and flooded as far as the eye can see and suddenly I am not so sure.

Not quite so sure it is a very good idea.

I mean I love the Silver Dream Machine, my Bluemotion Golf Estate but I don’t think it was built for boating.

“It’s too dangerous,” I say. “We will have to wait until the water subsides.”

So I reverse all the way back to the main road and drive the long way to school. The Boys are clearly disappointed. This way is not very exciting. Not thrilling at all.

It’s much more fun to get into school late because you’ve got stranded in the middle of a flood and have to wade your way out.

I feel for them and suddenly understand why my father used to drive across the frozen St John River in Canada when we were stationed there in the early 1970s. He relished terrifying and thrilling the women in his family. Seriously he used to take our Volkswagen car drive off the road and down the banks of the frozen river then drive across it stopping half way to take photographs. I remember waiting for what seemed like hours while he did this scaring myself silly with thoughts of the ice breaking beneath us. He never put us in danger he always knew it was safe, he just didn’t tell us as such. We had to trust him. I was five years old. And now 40 years later I understand why he did it as I thrill and terrify my own five year old.

I will make sure I can drive through but I won’t be telling my boys I have checked it out first – I mean where’s the fun in that!

Feelgood Monday - What better way to start the week!

It's cold, wet and windy here in Suffolk and not very pleasant but these got me giggling again!

Lost in translation….

• In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN
• Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
• Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
• Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
• In a Nairobi restaurant:CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
• On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
• On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP. 
• In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
• In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
• Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
• On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
• In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
• Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
• Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
• In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
• A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
• Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
• Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
• Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

And finally....

• A Laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

I just can't help it...

Do you think I'm just being a tease? I don't mean to be. The intention is honest, really it is. I don’t mean to lead them on but I can't help it. I try not to flirt too openly. I don’t want to get a reputation and it’s not as though I’m the only one doing it. Loads of us do. Loads of us are trollops.

It’s not as though they are only chasing me either. They even want to get my friends involved but I think that is a step too far I mean I don’t want to presume that my friends aren’t already doing it anyway.

Look, I have to get my fix somehow and it’s far too dangerous to actually hit the high street anymore. I'm talking about shopping here. What else did you think? It's a serious business shopping adn it's getting harder and harder to resist. I mean wherever I turn there are sales going on, prices slashed. Blue ticket days for 72 hours only. I mean what is a girl to do?

There is a strong streak of the hunter/gatherer in me and I am a sucker for a bargain at the shops, especially clothes shops. If I go out I have to come back with something. It's just not right if I don't.

So lately I have been collecting catalogues either in the shops or on-line to assuage my craving. Graham & Green, Boden, Aspace, White Company, Crewe, Joules, Lakeland and they are all free. I get that immediate fix and then I can peruse at my leisure and it's just wonderful especially as I had to give up my annual subscriptions to all my favourite magazines in the latest round of household finance cuts.

I know my name is on every list going and I dread to think what would happen if they all decided to get together and view my shopping habits recently or lack of shopping habits to be more precise.

They have all tried so hard bombarding me with e-mails and offers and money off vouchers but I hate to admit guys I just can’t. I can’t go all the way with you I have no money to spare for the gorgeous fripperies you desperately want me to buy.

I promise though as soon as I can I will. I will succumb to your offers. I will do it but you see I have to be sure that I am getting a bargain. I have to be sure that this really is the best deal out. A never to be repeated experience.

And I have to make sure that my husband doesn’t find out….

Bringing up Boys: Just me and him

It's just me and him tonight.
Bog Boy and me.
He's asleep now spread eagled across the double bed. Bang in the middle. Out like a light.
He looks so beautiful my little boy. Still young enough to zonk out without a care in the world but big enough to know how to get his own way...and tonight I let him.
No big brother.
No daddy to get in teh way.
Just him and me.
He's been thoroughly spoilt. Picked up by his Godfather and treated to a massive bag of cheesy curls and a lemonade because he just gets SOOOOO hungry on the way home from school and he couldn't possibly wait the thrity minutes it takes to drive home.
He's eaten his supper on front of the TV. Luxuriated in his mother's bath with lavender soak. And wheedled his way in to the bed with three teddies and now four dogs.
And it's great!
Snatching moments for us just to be together.
No interruptions.
No sharing.
He'll forget in two seconds tehre's so much going on in his world but me, I'll cherish these moments forever.