Feelgood Monday - What better way to start the week!

These got me laughing on this grey, cold Monday!

• "I am very detail-oreinted."
• "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
• "Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
• "I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
• "Served as assistant sore manager."
• "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
• "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
• "Special skills: Thyping."
• "Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."
• "I can play well with others."
• "I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."
• "Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
• "My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
• "I eat computers for lunch."
• "Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."
• "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
• "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
• "I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."
• "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
• "I like slipping and sliding around behind the counter and controlling the temperature of the food."
• "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
• "Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state."
• "I love dancing and throwing parties."
• "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."
• "I am a rabid typist."
• "Special Skills: Speak English
• "Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."
• "Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."
• "Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."
• "Typing Speed: 756 wpm."
• "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
• "Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."
• "My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."
• "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!
• "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business
• "Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
• "Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."
• "Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

Feelgood Monday - What better way to start the week!

I am tryoing not to cry with laughter at some of these...hope you enjoy them too! Happy Monday!

• 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 524-0960. Leave mess.
• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
• Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
• Great Dames for sale.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
  Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Feelgood Monday - What better way to start the week #4

Half term is over; and it's back to earth with a bump. Here's some absolute crackers to put you in the best frame of mind for the week ahead!

Happy Giggling!

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:	What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:	Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:	No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

 
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:	Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:	Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:	There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:	Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:	Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:	I don't know.
Stewart White:	I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:	Arm
Stewart White:	Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:	Strong.
Stewart White:	Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:	Louis
Stewart White:	Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:	Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:	What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:	France
Trelinski:	France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:	Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:	Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:	Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:	Just guess a country then.
Contestant:	Paris

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:	Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:	The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:	For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:	I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:	What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:	Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:	What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:	I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO- MANCHESTER )
Phil:	What's 11 squared?
Contestant:	I don't know.
Phil:	I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:	Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:	Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:	Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:	On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:	Er. .. ...
Richard:	He makes bread . . ..
Contestant:	Er . .....
Richard:	He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant:	Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:	Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:	Barcelona
Presenter:	I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:	I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:	What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:	The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:	Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:	Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:	What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:	Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:	How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:	Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

 
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:	In which European country isMount Etna?
Caller:	Japan
Chris Searle:	I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:	Er ..... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:	How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?
Contestant (long pause):	Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:	In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:	Holland ?
Daryl Denham:	Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:	Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)	It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:	No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:	What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:	Er. ... ...
Phil Wood:	It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . .
Contestant:	Blimey?
Phil Wood:	Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ....
Contestant:	(Silence)
Phil Wood:	OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:	Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:	What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:	Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:	What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:	Jewish.
Presenter:	That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:	Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:	Jesus.

Feel Good Monday - What better way to start the Week #2

I have friends who send me very silly things that make me laugh and on a Monday all I can say is: "What better way to start the week...than with a laugh?!"

Have a good one!

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true, that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "How many were boys?"

A: "None."

Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: "I went to Europe, sir."

Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

A: "By death."

Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"

A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

Q: "Was this a male or female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."

Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"

A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

A: "I have been since early childhood."

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?

A: We both do

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.