Monday, 19 March 2012

Feelgood Monday - What better way to start the week

Don't get me wrong I love my boys but this had me laughing so much I cried....

Are You Ready for Children?
Mess Test: Smear marmite on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fishfinger behind the sofa and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego. (If Lego is not available, substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Shopping Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you shopping. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers...
Thing's Mum's would never say..
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"


Bluestocking Mum said...

That's brilliant, Tattie!

No-one can ever be ready for kids. Love the shopping test with goats!


Kitty said...

Oh, funny, very funny!

Wally B said...

I was sent this by my cousin before we adopted. It's amazing how true it is.

Irene said...

This is hilarious and oh so true. I'm glad someone knows how to make fun of it.

Mother Hen said...

That was brilliant, thank you. Do you think there is one for the Mom who has teenagers?

I already know the list of things a Mother would never say for them.

"Sure, go for a drive with your mate who just passed his test this morning after seven goes, and have a good time." Is on the top of the list!

Rob-bear said...

Just a tad bit too close for comfort. Sigh!

balloonatikmama said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
balloonatikmama said...

(Sorry, I was just trying to fix a typo - it looks so suspicious to say I deleted a comment - as if I wrote something horrid and nasty?! But it is just what I have written below, with the "dot" added back in.)

Tiki here! I got the xmas card I sent you returned in the mail today :(

Same addy I used last year, so I think I may be a few years out of date? Bummer. Reach me at this user name @ shaw dot ca

And Merry Christmas!

Go on you know you want to...


Blog Widget by LinkWithin