Monday, 14 March 2011

Screaming!


It has just happened.
It came from nowhere and I feel foul.
I screamed at the boys just now because I couldn’t get The Boy’s medicine out of the bottle properly because I was trying to use a make-do syringe rather than trying to find the proper one among all the mess, as I have the kitchen repainted, and it spilt everywhere. A sticky mess dripping all over the kitchen cupboards, all over my hands and all over the floor, so I screamed in frustration. I threw back my head and screamed. I screamed until I had no more breath left, till I felt my fingers tingle and my throat grow raw.
The boys covered their ears and after I snapped at them to eat their supper and go to bed and leave me alone I holed myself up here, in the hope that I won’t do it again. I hate losing it with my boys and I know I have been treading a fine line lately. I had hoped, as I always do, that I might get away with it but foiled again (it should be my catch phrase).
I’ve been tired lately and fussed and doing too much. Book club and dinner out and The Boy’s birthday, a sleepover and taking on the veggie patch. Not to mention that fact that I have had the builders in since January and now it really is time for them to leave.
I cannot cope with the mess and not being able to put things away and be calm and sorted. I cannot cope anymore with being smiley and happy when I have work deadlines to meet and answering endless very important questions about all the minutiae. I long to scream at them: “Just do it! And stop bothering me!” but I can’t and so the boys land up taking the brunt.
And all the time I feel I am getting more and more out of control and I get angry, so very, very, angry and tired, so very, very, tired with it all.
The boys keep putting their heads round the door to ask me questions and I snarl at them. I am trying to warn them away until I am calm enough to cope with putting them to bed and reading a bedtime story. I know when I venture out of my hole it will be difficult not to blow a fuse again but I must get myself under control. I must be able to say sorry and to smile and to reassure them that everything is OK and that it is not them.
You know it's so very exhausting.

13 comments:

legend in his own lunchtime said...

Oh Tattie, I feel for you. I'm having the same issues with our bloody roof. Our end is in sight. Ihope yours is too (the builders I mean, not your demise:)

Tattie Weasle said...

Legend: I sometiems think it will be my demise! I am trying to focus on the fact that it (builder's chaos) is usually at it's worst just before the end....

Lottie said...

You poor thing...I've been exactly the same although when our builders moved in, we moved out. Life sometimes just gets tooooo much and you need to let it out! Sending a hug x

Ladybird World Mother said...

Oh, Tattie, how absolutely horrid for you. I just know that awful holed up feeling, waiting for the worst wave of whatever it is to go, so that one has the strength to get up and go on. But the waves just keep coming sometimes, tsunami style. Send a prayer up. Not sure if you believe in all that, but always worth a go.
Meanwhile I send you a big hug. Not having such a great day myself, and that black dog lurks. No idea why. Maddening and saddening. Thats when I send a prayer up...
Oh, and kick those builders ass in the morning. Time for them to GO!!
Hugs as ever xxxxx

Von said...

Poor Tattie, pushed to the limit, no wonder you screamed! The builders will be gone soon leaving you a beautiful new whatever it is you're having done.
Read an article the other day about how we all take on far too much, try to achieve too much and don't give ourselves time and space just to enjoy things like stroking a whippet's velvet ears, enjoying the bedtime story ourselves.
I always go back to that question "At the end of our lives will we say we're glad we did so much housework/work/etc or will we say I wish I'd spent more time looking at sunsets, listening to the kids and appreciating life?"
We've all been there, it does pass and hope so for you very soon, hang in there and big hugs!!

Spencer Park said...

Von said it all,

"We've all been there, it does pass and hope so for you very soon, hang in there and big hugs!"

I can only repeat it!

Random Woman said...

Tattie I feel your pain. My house seems to have been a building site in one form or another for the last 10 years! I'm still waiting for the plaster to dry out so we can paint in the dining room and that's coming up for a year now! It's enough to make anyone scream. I lost it the other day too and have been feeling guilty ever since. It would seem permanent guilt about something is a permanent state of motherhood. Don't beat yourself up.

Iota said...

Oh Tattie, it sounds exhausting. Just exhausting.

Michelle Trusttum said...

Tattie - my children, like yours I'm sure, model forgiveness. Too often I have lost it and sent them off to their little beds (or somewhere far away from me), only to have them beam at me and tell me how much they love me the very next time we reconnect.

If only I had half the grace!

Wishing you a brighter day... x

Rob-bear said...

Oh, dear, Tattie. So sorry you and the boys had such a bad day, for your own various reasons. You may not think of yourself as the perfect mom, but really, you're doing the best that you can; full marks for that, I say.

Upon seeing the title, I thought perhaps you were screaming at a non-Tattie Weasel who got some of your chooks. Sigh!

Hope tomorrow is better. Bear hugs to you!

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

However we'd all like to be one of those apron-weaering , permanently smiling Janet And John mothers , , we're not .
And , actually , I think our children prefer just as we are , bumps and all !

Mud in the City said...

Sending big hugs.
xx

Tattie Weasle said...

Lottie - it does get too much. Luckily all is back to calmness and clarity (sort of)
Ladybird World Mother - Thank you so much I did but they are still here albeit NOT in my kitchen...
Von - I took your advice and spent a calming half hour just petting my eldest dog. It was wonderful! I don't take enough time out for that sort of thing but it's as good as if not better than therapy.
Spencer Park - Thnak you so much. very appreciated.
Random Woman thank you so much. You are so right about guilt being an integral part of motherhood. I always seenm to feel guilty about the things I don't do and event he things I do do. Phoned up Mum to ask if she had felt this and she replied: "Still do!!!"
Iota - it was but on mend now I have calm kitchen again...
Michelle Trusttram - they are unbeleivable aren't they with their capacity to love and to forgive. As you say would that I had half the grace!
Rob-bear - having had non tattie eweasles after my chickens and got bitten will possibly get gun out to deal with prob rather than screaming. But enough of that flippancy days are brighter now everything is back to normal or whatever passes as normal in this household. Thank you!
SmitoniusAndSonata - well I think they'll look back on it and say life was never dull with mother! Hopefully they won't repine on the bad stuff too much!
Mud - Thank you!

Go on you know you want to...

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