It has just happened.
It came from nowhere and I feel foul.
I screamed at the boys just now because I couldn’t get The Boy’s medicine out of the bottle properly because I was trying to use a make-do syringe rather than trying to find the proper one among all the mess, as I have the kitchen repainted, and it spilt everywhere. A sticky mess dripping all over the kitchen cupboards, all over my hands and all over the floor, so I screamed in frustration. I threw back my head and screamed. I screamed until I had no more breath left, till I felt my fingers tingle and my throat grow raw.
The boys covered their ears and after I snapped at them to eat their supper and go to bed and leave me alone I holed myself up here, in the hope that I won’t do it again. I hate losing it with my boys and I know I have been treading a fine line lately. I had hoped, as I always do, that I might get away with it but foiled again (it should be my catch phrase).
I’ve been tired lately and fussed and doing too much. Book club and dinner out and The Boy’s birthday, a sleepover and taking on the veggie patch. Not to mention that fact that I have had the builders in since January and now it really is time for them to leave.
I cannot cope with the mess and not being able to put things away and be calm and sorted. I cannot cope anymore with being smiley and happy when I have work deadlines to meet and answering endless very important questions about all the minutiae. I long to scream at them: “Just do it! And stop bothering me!” but I can’t and so the boys land up taking the brunt.
And all the time I feel I am getting more and more out of control and I get angry, so very, very, angry and tired, so very, very, tired with it all.
The boys keep putting their heads round the door to ask me questions and I snarl at them. I am trying to warn them away until I am calm enough to cope with putting them to bed and reading a bedtime story. I know when I venture out of my hole it will be difficult not to blow a fuse again but I must get myself under control. I must be able to say sorry and to smile and to reassure them that everything is OK and that it is not them.
You know it's so very exhausting.