Sunday, 20 March 2011

Is it depression or is it just me?


Is it depression or is it just me? I don’t know anymore. I am not sure if I ever knew. For with depression you are never quite sure what is reality and what is not. I am not saying that people with depression are all hallucinating or living in a different dimension to everyone else (though of course it helps) I am trying to work out where the one ends and where normal life resumes.
It’s not like a cold which is pretty obvious when it ends; I mean suddenly you can breathe again and you no longer  have a dripping nose or sore throat. With depression it arrives with a bang, or so it seems, even though actually it arrives by stealth in exactly the same way it leaves. A silent mental ghost, though of course you are never sure if it will come back again to haunt you.
I get tired. Very tired. I don’t seem to have the stamina I once did or even the stamina of my peers. And when I get tired, I get impatient, my fuse gets shorter and I have to get away from it all, or else put those I love from me until I am less tired and able to cope. Now is that a legacy of depression? Is it depression? Or am I teetering on the brink of a depressive episode though I don’t know it? Or is it in fact all psychosomatic and merely a reaction to something that normal people have – called tiredness and the way I handle it is in fact normal.
Problem is I don’t know so I blame it on my depression.
Because this I do know I can be pushed into a depressive episode when I am tired. It is something I realise I will live with for the entirety of my life. I try not to think of it as a life sentence but I fear that it is.
It pisses me off not knowing.
Maybe I am behaving normally. I mean loads of people who have traumatic illnesses push themselves harder than those who have not had the experience. Testing themselves, their stamina, and their very existence to prove that they still do have a life.
I don’t know if I do the same, I am not sure for you see I don’t know what “normal” is, I have been “abnormal” for more than half my life now.

13 comments:

Spencer Park said...

I'm afraid that I'm no help at all as my head is just one big confusion at the moment.

But I'm sending cyber hugs your way and hoping that they help!

Tattie Weasle said...

Spencer - ditto and cyber hugs always help!

mrsnesbitt said...

Please don't all it depression - os that in my mind conjours up (excuse spelling) medial impliations - nay put it down to tiredness or a rough day whih we all experience - but you are fine - like the rest of us - who have off days! (((HUGS)))

Expat mum said...

I'm sure fatigue contributes to depression, but even so - why are you so tired? Why don't you go to the doc and have your iron levels checked? Hope you feel better soon ducks.

Iota said...

Isn't it a spectrum, anyway? Not like a cold, that you either have, or don't have?

If you don't feel 'right', or if you don't feel 'you', then I'm guessing it's not 'normal'. But heck, I don't know. I just feel for you and want to send you cyber sympathy.

Rob-bear said...

"Is it depression or is it just me?" The answer is, "Yes."
Depression is who you are. It's not all of who you are, but part.
You have two options. You can fight it, or you can learn to live with it. It's like the black dog curled up beside the fireplace. It's part of the household, but you still want to keep an eye on it, lest it get out of hand.

Blessings and (virtual) Bear hugs.

Von said...

Sorry you're not feeling good Tattie, from what I've seen you do a lot, have come through some tough stuff and could do with some TLC if not from someone else then from you!
First stop the Doc to get some tests done just to be sure it's not low iron or something similarly fixable.Then it sounds as if you need to do the other restorative things, gentle walks, rest, feeding your soul and being kind to yourself, taking as much pressure off as you can and getting rid of all the stress you can.Big hugs Tattie and please take care.

Lottie said...

I've never considered myself depressive (except post-natally) but I do get seriously pissed off, seriously tired and am constantly stressed. I put this down to pressures in our life at the moment and my inability to stay calm.

I think you're perfectly normal but just exhausted by the sounds of things. As others have said, you probably should take yourself off to the doc to check iron levels and unload a bit xxx

Random Woman said...

I agree, go to the docs and get everything checked. Tiredness and depression go hand in hand as does taking on too much. I have bouts of depression too and it becomes part of who you are which in some ways is a shame but my way of coping. I recently read an excellent book on the subject called Depressive Illness The Curse of the Strong by Dr. Tim Cantopher which is all about how depression can stem from doing too much and taking on everybody else's woes and worries- hence the mental and physical exhaustion. It helped me no end. Sending cyber hugs too. RW xx

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Not having much experience with depression I really can't answer this question. But I'm sending hugs and telling you, you are perfectly normal. Whatever normal is.

Take care, CJ xx

Posie said...

What you write makes perfect sense to me and I don't know the answers....depression does sap your energy levels...I don't know if you can 'fight' depression, I think you just have to wait as it passes through. Best wishes.

legend in his own lunchtime said...

The symptoms sound more like stress. Maybe a lack of support from the other inhabitants of the house? Being taken for granted is a very stressful situation. Like the others have said, go to the doctor and make sure the tiredness is not clinical. I'm sure you have a lot of things that are just hanging around and not getting completed. I do for sure. Make a list of them, get some help to finish them. Completed tasks take a whole lot off your mind. Do not try and do it all yourself though.
Thinking of you and sending healthy thoughts.

Tattie Weasle said...

mrsnesbitt - that's my problem I don't know if it IS depression or if I am just tired...prefer teh tired one frankly!
Expat Mum - have made appointment with Dr...
Iota - thank you so much the cyber sympathy works a treat :)
Rob bear - so wise. And it is both. I even wrote a post last year called My depression and I we are a double act. I just like to forget sometimes...
Von - have been cuddling whippets and walkingint eh sunshine. Do feel sunshine works wonders here in the UK!
Lottie - I am tired and I am doing soemthing about that by having it checked out just in case!
Random Woman - Have ordered book on Amazon. Sounds just like me though never consider myself strong...
CJ - Thank you for reminding me that in this m,ad world I am as normal as everyone else!!! :)
Posie - being tired is NOT good. Have booked lots of early nights...
Legend - have started but feeling depressed about length of list.....(joke!)

Go on you know you want to...

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