Sunday, 21 August 2011

Depression: Struggling

I am struggling.
It's my fault I know. It's me, trying to do too much. Then getting tired, exhausted and falling into a dangerous place.
A place where the Black Dog can get at me.
It is relentless this beast and sometimes it seems just so much easier to let it devour me, to suck me dry.
But I don't like who I am when it happens. I hate myself when I become too weak to fight it off. I am vile in my own sight.
Somewhere I must find the strength to keep going to keep fighting.
God I wish it were that easy.
For those of you who have no idea imagine your worst despair then imagine you are trying to out run it. Sometimes you can ignore it, pretend it is not there but you know that really  it is forever on the periphery of your vision.
I say I wish it were cancer and my family give me sour looks. Yes, I know one of them has fought cancer and won. I know how terrrified they were and how brave to keep going. I am not belittling their battle, their fortitude. I try to right myself and explain that this is: "a cancer fo the soul" but they think I am overly dramatic and too full of sensibility.
We talk like aliens and I pity them their lack of understanding. I must understand them all. See things from their perspective, see how draining I am; how boring more like. Yep, my illness is boring because you cannot fight it with the wonders of modern science, it will not go away and I will not give in and die. So it is there day after day, month after month, year after year. Some would say I revel in my depression, that it makes me "interesting" that I only go on about it because without it I wouldn't be anything at all.
But that is untrue.
Without it I could have been so many things.
We all of us have a propensity for depression. Luckily mnay of us will not be triggered into it early.
My trigger was a severe bout of Glandular Fever coupled with a host of outside stresses which if I had had them but a few years earlier or later would not have made me intolerant to stress and caused me to develop a clincal depression.
I believe you don't just get drepression you develop it (unless of course it is Post Natal Depression which is entirely different). A series of triggeres/stresses brings it on, for many it is fought off but for a few  the combination is too great and a full blown clinical depression ensues. You never get rid of it. It underlies the rest of your life.
It can be managed and it can be held at bay but  we don't yet know enough to work out exactly what to do. So sometimes I am too tired and I fall and I hate myself for failing to manage it properly, for opening my mouth and saying stupid things, for shouting at my children, for not struggling hard enough, well, for not being normal....

It's been a hard couple of weeks, I am tired and struggling, but I will be OK. The safety nets are holding. I wish I didn't get so tired. I just wish I didn't have depression.


Spencer Park said...

There are lots of us in your corner willing you on Tattie - please remember that.

I thought I'd dipped into depression after the break up from an ex girlfriend so I went to see my ex wife (a weird thing to do I know but she is a clinical psychologist) for help and she pointed out that I had the blues and had no idea how bad depression really is.

She provided me with an insight and I realised then that she was right.

I hope that the black dog stays.

As I said at the start I am willing you on from my chair in the East Midlands.

Spencer Park said...

PS That should have said I hope that the black dog stays away!

Sandie said...

Unless people have truly experienced depression, it is difficult for them to understand it.
I hope you get some rescue from it if only for a week or two as, I know from personal experience, the BD doesn't like to 'stray' too far away or for long!


Sandie xx

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

You haven't given in . You're constantly battling , very courageously , even when it's exhausting .
You're doing brilliantly !

Marcheline said...

Depression runs in my family - some of my not-so-distant ancestors were manic depressive, and I know folks in my family struggle with it constantly. I'm more the rollercoaster type... can occasionally dip into real low spots, but most of the time am sunny.

I feel for your pain, and I hope you find something that works. Natural remedies such as regular exercise (boosts endorphins) and pharmaceutical assistance are out there... have you tried any of these?

Not trying to be nosy/bossy, I just instinctively look for solutions when I run into walls...

Nicola said...

Oh Tattie.

I am thinking of you. I too suffer - in the past it has been overwhelming, to the point that I have not been able to function and the pull of suicide has been very compelling indeed.

Nowadays I know, as hard as it is, I just have to acknowledge it, live with it, until it passes.

I feel for you. And hope it passes soon. If you need a laugh with a good book I would recommend Tina Fey's Bossy Boots. Even in my blackest moods, I couldn't help but laugh out loud. xxxx

Rob-bear said...

Depression is just so "not fun." And you've been so good, and gutsy, at describing your experience.
I'm fortunate that my doctor has finally found some medications which are really helpful, particularly in dealing with the physical pain related to my chronic depression. I've got a bit of a steady base, from which I can start rebuilding, maybe.
In the meantime, "Woof!" from my black dog to yours.

Iota said...

Oh gosh, I'm sorry to read this, Tattie.

Random Woman said...

Tattie you are brave to talk about it the way you do. I too was triggered into clinical depression at 23 by my aunt dying suddenly of cancer and then my parents losing their business and home after bankruptcy. Since then it has come and gone but it's always there lurking in the background waiting to pounce like the rabid black dog it is. I'm currently struggling too after my redundancy. This is why blogging is so good for the soul. Am here for you. x

Anonymous said...

This is such a heart felt post. I know exactly where you are coming from. It always hurts me to read something so familiar and realise that someone else is suffering the same as me.

I believe that you are strong and will get through this dark time and come out the other side. I have no words of wisdom, I am still searching for my own relief from my demons. But just wanted to know I understand.

Be kind to yourself and take care.


Go on you know you want to...


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