What if you were young again? The music disrupts your thinking and your mind becomes confused. One minute you're a forty something mother and wife, the next your are a mere slip of a thing at 23 and it is as if the last twenty years were but a dream...
The snow is falling and there are few, if any, vehicles on the highway. It's as if you are stuck between worlds and all you have to do is make a choice. This one or the one that could have been.
I think I must have been very tired and probably not fit to drive but I thought of so many missed opportunities not with exactly regret but with a wistfulness that should not have been there, not now anyway.
I allowed myself to dream, I allowed myself to meander impossibilities that never were and never will be. I crushed the thoughts from my mind. Or at least I tried. But my traitorous indisipline triumphed again. And, I being tired, thought: Why not? It is only dreaming after all, it's not as if it could ever come true.
So I allowed myself to indulge and the dream was so perfect, so wonderful. I almost, almost could taste it. The yearning, the longing for it to be real without any hurt to anyone temporaily usurped my sense of reality. In fact for a time after my journey ended I was angry that it should not be so. But I slept on it and the mundane humdrum pattern of my daily life quickly gained the upper hand.
It should have faded.
But then a few words turned my life into a sopa opera, at least in my head, and I will never be able to tell anyone.
Anyway what interest are the daydreams of a forty year old anyway...
Do I really want to make a complete tit of myself and destroy everything? Embarrass everyone especially those I hold most dear?
No of course not.
I am the mother of sons. I have four dogs and two cats. Too many chickens to count. And of course I have a loving, though somewhat exasperating, husband.
16 comments:
This all makes perfect sense to me. I think it might be something to do with age...
That's the trouble about having some time to dream . Stop concentrating on dripping taps and breakfast cereal for a minute and an endless horizon spreads out before you . Me-time magnified by 100.
Dreamtime's fabulous . Full of Baftas , organic catering empires , the Chelsea Flower Show , chairs at Oxford , a pet plumber . Raffaella Barker meets Steven Spielberg .
And then you read a copy of Hello magazine and realise that no one in it looks at home in their world .
And anyway ..... if you and Robbie Williams eloped together , I'd miss your blog .
Preseli Mags - I'll accept it's an age thing: the realisation that I'm getting middle aged. But it's the music you see for all that I'm trapped in this crumbling edifice, I'm really longing to dance again!
Smitonius&Sonata - How I wish it was Robbie Williams so much easier to dismiss! I think I will limit my dreams to the Chelsea Flower Show or revert to what I would do if I won the lottery...much less heartache!
Tattie I think you've been reading my mind...I've been doing exactly the same for the last few days!
Fairy Nuff.
Dauby - Perhaps it's something in the air? Or maybe it ws that full moon making us temporarily restless with our lives....
I am usually a lurker to your blog on my Sunday night of mass reader clearing but had to comment on this one.
I do this so much. All the time in fact. I've discovered it's linked to my cycle but every month I go through days where I can barely pull myself out of my head and get lost in the 'what ifs' and impossible alternative lives.
And it's stupid because I am happy and love my boys.
But there's something so irresistible about it isn't it? A brief escape? I like to think it keeps me sane but I have no excuse really, it's pure indulgence (and I'm only 28!)
x
I really quite like this secret 'life within my head' - because of course I dream too. It's a safe retreat.
I think it's best to keep it there - for all the reasons you give. Do I wish for it in reality? That would be telling - and they do say be very careful in what you wish for.
I suppose that, as long as dreams are dreams, that's a good thing. "What if?" is not a bad question. And we play with all kinds of notions.
It's only when we start taking inappropriate actions based on dreams that we run into trouble. There are dreams, and there is the real world. Even if it's full of wonderful boys, and an exasperating husband.
Long drives are perfect or imperfect for this mind wandering depending how it leaves you feeling. I think we can all relate to this sometimes Tattie. Hope you feel settled as the moon wanes x
That was a lovely post and I think a lot of women recognise your dreams.
In my dreams I live with John Cusack in the Hollywood Hills and no one ever, ever makes me empty the dishwasher. *sigh*
Josie @ sleep is for the weak - only 28 and doing this!? I'm afraid it's a slippery slope now! :) Interesting about the link with your cycle maybe it's a deeper survival thing? (Basically it's OK girls - and boys - to indulge like this as long of course we merely day dream!)
mountainear - oohhh a woman with secrets wodnerfully mysterious jsut as it should be of course. I will be exceedingly careful what I wish for even in my moments of weakness but as I said before I will concentrate on spending the millions I win in the lottery - just in case...
Rob-bear - I'll take your advice and I'll stick to reality and see where that leads me...
Pipany - I think it is the monotany that allows you to go into the zone so to speak. I've seen 50 muiles zip past in a trice doing this which may or may not be a good thing. As for the wistfullnes/restlessness it feels as if it is now on the ebb.
Cait - Thank you it's good to know I'm not the only one!
Liz(Living with kids) - ooh John Cusak interesting choice, better yet not having to empty the dish washer....
I used to be a great "what if"er. But after years of living with my husband, who maintains that it takes all his emotional energy to sustain one real life, and that he doesn't have enough in addition for all the potential lives that might have been, I do see he has a point.
Iota - totally agree when I'm not in the car on my own on a long drive. Now happily dreaming about £85m Eurolottery Rollover. I'll be fine so long as all credit cards are locked up ....
When I was 22 I went to Corfu on holiday. I fell for a Greek God and he asked me to stay with him, to run a bar....
At the time I was buying and selling art in London, it was the 80's, Capital City was on the telly...
'Don't be ridiculous,' I said. 'I've got an amazing job and a Vauxhall Vectra Estate!' Good line eh?
A week after returning to the UK I quit my job and caught a flight. I ran the bar for a year and learned to speak Greek.
A year later I returned home, older, wiser, happier, no God in tow....
Nowadays you MUST dream, it's acting on the dreams we need to be a bit more careful about!
Lou - perhaps that's the problem I nefer acted on my dreams when I was younger. However, at least I am old enough to realise I have too much to lose if I act rashly on my dreams now...
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