Thursday, 9 June 2011

Just have a laugh!

Sometimes you get sent things that just make you laugh at the absurditiy of life; today I laughed 'til I cried. It was great!
  • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
  • Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  • There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
  • Life is sexually transmitted.
  •  Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camerathese days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
  • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  •  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
  • Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum.
  •  Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  •  Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Why is 'simplification' such a long word?
  • If the bride wears white on the happiest day of her life, why does the groom wear black?
  •  What cruel sadist decided to put an 's' in the word "Lisp"...?
  • Why isn't there another word for Thesaurus?
  • If the product you're advertising is so much better than the leading brand, why isn't it the leading brand?
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  •  Going to church does not make you any more of a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
  • Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • The Evening News is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
  • When I fill in a form that asks who to contact in an emergency I put DOCTOR.
  • When you send something by car it's called a shipment, when it goes by ship it's a cargo. 
  • Hope you had a good one - it's good for the soul!


Exmoorjane said...

Nice! Oh and, btw, you're tagged madam!! :)

Expat mum said...

Have to say they are very funny. Shame I can never remember a joke!

Go on you know you want to...


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