Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Notes for my children: I am God


I am God. I am omnipresent. I hold whole worlds in my hands, even if they are only made of Lego.
I control all and everything in between. What I say is goes.
I say when you shall get up and when you shall go to bed. I can move time to fit in with my wishes so that on Thursdays you shall go to bed at 6.30pm and because I have dominion over both the day and the night and all the hours in between, it will be known as 7pm whatever the time says on the kitchen clock.
I am the giver and taker away of treats. Any infringement of any of the unwritten rules in my dominion can and will mean immediate cessation of treats with no third time lucky warnings. Catch me on a good day and your cups will overflow with lovely things, annoy me for no apparent reason and there will be no TV, like forever; forget the Wii and no it really IS the last time you will ever see the Ninetendo. And I don’t care if it IS unfair, for my will is all.
I am the great provider. It is I who places the food on plates before you and woe betide the child who fails to eat what there is. You should be thankful for ALL food on your plates no matter how unappetising it looks even if it is burnt a bit on the edges the great provider spent hours making it and does not appreciate derogatory comments about her abilities/inabilities on the cooking front. (The same rules apply to ironing, cleaning and general organisation.
The Great She God known as Ma, knows everything. Always. Even when you swear blind it wasn’t you. She can see through all lies and obsfuscation and knows when you have done something that you ought not even if she is not looking at you. This applies particularly in the car or have you not learnt that one yet?
Ma is everything. She is the healer of bumps and cuts with one kiss she can make it all better. She knows how to mend all toys even when the great Ma’s dog has got them and chewed them to bits for miraculously within 24 hours they look like new sometimes they even change colour. Ma does everything and does not make you car sick that is the Great Da’s job so sayeth Ma.

8 comments:

About Last Weekend said...

Interesting. Because I am that person too. Sometimes I'll try and be funMum and not so omnipresent and all-saying, more all-dancing. But that doesn't last for long. I am that she indoors who must be obeyed.

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

Exactly ! Everyone should have security ..... God Ma will provide this in exchange for unquestioning obedience and regular chocolate .
Seems perfectly reasonable to me .

Potty Mummy said...

The Church of Ma - has a ring to it, doesn't it?

Expat mum said...

Hmmmm - somehow I don't think my grumpy, neglected, under-privileged, over-disciplined teens will swallow this. I'll work on the 8 year old instead.

Tattie Weasle said...

About Last Weekend - I wonder if God has the same problem wanting to be the fun god but landing up having to be just omnipresent?
SmitoniusAndSonata - def regular chocolate, or wine, or in fact any offering so long as it is not burnt....
Potty Mummy - Don't get me thinking it.....
Expat Mum - possibly not indoctrination does have to start young, possibly whil ethey are still in the womb methinks!

Belgravia Wife - sort of said...

It goes without saying chez nous that I am God - er sort of but after a result cuisine wise I like to think that I am a Goddess too - delusional, pah !! xx

would like to be a yummy mummy said...

Fab post, it did make me smile. Following you now. Found your post through Blow your Own Blog Horn!

Aly said...

I bow down to you almighty for I fear your wrath

Go on you know you want to...

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