Sometimes I just cannot cope at all and I want it all to stop. I can’t cope with the enormity of everything I have to do and the fact that however much I do do it will never end. And it is pathetic but at these moments I want my Mum. I want my Mum because I want to be a child again with no more responsibilities. I need to know that someone else will take on the burden so I don’t have to carry it for a while.
However, I fear that if someone did take it on I would never want it back for I don’t find being the responsible one all that rewarding. And it doesn’t help when I am reminded that I am not that good at being the responsible either.
This week I have had three reminders from school about my irresponsibility: firstly I have yet to pay the fees; secondly I must remember to make sure I write in The Boy’s reading book when he has done his reading and finally I need to ensure that my eldest spends at least 10 minutes a night doing his Education City.
All of these are reasonable requests which any parent should find simple enough to do but I don’t and it makes me feel even more inadequate for my son also needs to do his other homework and of course his piano practise. I am a bad parent for not being organised enough to shoe horn all this in.
And then I look around my home which is in utter chaos with carpenters, odd job men and landscape gardeners everywhere and it is not as if I had originally meant them to be here at the same time. What with the big freeze and the snow and could I possibly help out by bringing forward a few odd jobs because work had fallen through on a job elsewhere and the rent still has to be paid and I land up with ten folk round my place and I can’t even sit down for a cup of tea without someone needing direction or clarification and in amongst all this I still have deadlines to meet. So is it any wonder that by the end of the week I kick back? Problem is when I kicked I thought the wall was made of brick, how was I to know it was made of plaster board with a stonking great hollow behind it.
Now I have to call in the plasterer to get it fixed!