Saturday, 22 January 2011

Depression: Today I kicked a hole in the wall…


Sometimes I just cannot cope at all and I want it all to stop. I can’t cope with the enormity of everything I have to do and the fact that however much I do do it will never end. And it is pathetic but at these moments I want my Mum. I want my Mum because I want to be a child again with no more responsibilities. I need to know that someone else will take on the burden so I don’t have to carry it for a while.
However, I fear that if someone did take it on I would never want it back for I don’t find being the responsible one all that rewarding. And it doesn’t help when I am reminded that I am not that good at being the responsible either.
This week I have had three reminders from school about my irresponsibility: firstly I have yet to pay the fees; secondly I must remember to make sure I write in The Boy’s reading book when he has done his reading and finally I need to ensure that my eldest spends at least 10 minutes a night doing his Education City.
All of these are reasonable requests which any parent should find simple enough to do but I don’t and it makes me feel even more inadequate for my son also needs to do his other homework and of course his piano practise. I am a bad parent for not being organised enough to shoe horn all this in.
And then I look around my home which is in utter chaos with carpenters, odd job men and landscape gardeners everywhere and it is not as if I had originally meant them to be here at the same time. What with the big freeze and the snow and could I possibly help out by bringing forward a few odd jobs because work had fallen through on a job elsewhere and the rent still has to be paid and I land up with ten folk round my place and I can’t even sit down for a cup of tea without someone needing direction or clarification and in amongst all this I still have deadlines to meet. So is it any wonder that by the end of the week I kick back? Problem is when I kicked I thought the wall was made of brick, how was I to know it was made of plaster board with a stonking great hollow behind it.
Now I have to call in the plasterer to get it fixed!

11 comments:

mrsnesbitt said...

Don't punish yourself otherwise it will get you down. I have days when I feel I am crap at most things so just be ressured that nobody is perfect and if you know somebody who is - poke her in the eyes from me.

Dxxx

Expat mum said...

There's usually nothing like builders in the house to tip me over the edge. Don't know what it is but it's hell.
I tend to find that if I just tackle each day as it comes (having made a bit of a week-long plan on Sunday night), then it seems more manageable. I have a blackboard in my kitchen (which everyone can see) and I write down appointments, and to-do's for each day, then concentrate on one day at a time as it comes up. That sort of stops the feeling of "argh - too much"!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Yup too much going on. Having suffered depression I can empathise with how you feel. I hope you get through this unscathed as you sound worn out. All the best Tattie, you deserve a break.

Big mamma frog said...

Deep down, during more coherent moments you probably know the world wont fall apart because your son doesn't practice piano or do his homework. It's just the disease making you look at the small negative things through a huge pigging magnifying glass.

Concentrate on getting yourself well, do the basics that you can do. And the age-old advice of forcing yourself to get some fresh air and exercise everyday, really does help (even if you can't face it.) And tell your kids you love them even if you aren't always the world's perfect parent.

And fwiw I think you overestimate the efficiency of other parents...trust me, most of the time, we're all a bit crap.

Posie said...

Oh Tattie, be kind to yourself and please don't beat yourself up. You are not a bad mum...I am sure every mum goes through the same, I am certainly super disorganised...but I am also human and sometimes there are more important priorities! Everything seems huge and engulfing at the moment, but it will soon all come back into perspective, go easy on yourself, and retain that sense of humour...loved that it all ended with a hole in the wall...your foot did not deserve the pain of a brick wall. Take care...

Miss Sadie said...

Oh, dear! Haven't tried to beat down any walls, but I know Bear has done some pretty destructive things, to himself. Fortunately, he's hibernating, or he might be having more troubles too.

Bear's got something here that you should have. I'll send it by electric mail. Should be there shortly.

Nuzzles and licks on a sad day!

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

The hole in the wall was probably better than a hole in teacher , odd job man or landscape gardener !

Why can't you announce that , at a certain time first thing and then again for half an hour after lunch , tea and buns will be available in the kitchen and any queries will be dealt with ?
And after that you will be in the study and AT WORK , not to be disturbed .

legend in his own lunchtime said...

I'm glad it was plaster. Brick walls tend not to be too forgiving.
I think you need to give yourself a break. Other people's problems don't need to be yours, and no, you are not perfect, and shouldn't expect to be. Who is!
Go easy on yourself Tattie,

Cait O'Connor said...

Don't beat yourself up, none of those things matter in the scheme of things. Be kind to yourself.

CherishedByMe said...

Ooops about the wall! Thanks for sharing I am sure a lot of people can understand everything you say. I'm not sure whether I am actually depressed but I understand that sometimes just that one extra thing can be that little thing too much that I can't possibly deal with.I hope you can get out of this hole X

Exmoorjane said...

OMG you were serious! Respect, my love, respect. And, oh, I miss my mum too - soooooo much. xxxxxx

Go on you know you want to...

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