Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Head over heart


Through my window

Sometimes you can’t follow your heart, however much you want to. It doesn’t make you feel good and you know, because it is your head speaking, that the decision you make will never leave you satisfied even if you know it is the right decision to make.
It wasn’t the right decision to take on this house as far as my head was concerned but my head wasn’t in charge all those years ago. We were young enough and dumb enough to think because we willed it so it would happen and for a while my heart got its way. It was a wildly romantic foolhardy thing to do and now the right decision is to sell – if we can.
I have spent the past 11 years making this place our home. I won’t tell you how much it cost but let’s say that it if we hadn’t bought it, sending the kids to private school, wintering in Aspen every winter and sunning ourselves in the dolce vita each summer would have been well within our means, and you might, just might, come close.
We saw it as an overgrown wreck and rescued it. It has been a labour, mostly of love and occasionally of sheer desperation.
Oh how I wish you’d seen it when we first arrived. Brown and orange pub carpet all over the place, mould, rot, rates, mice, mushrooms in the cupboards, holes in the roof, bats, gnats and horrendously overgrown garden all dark and dingy and smelling oh how it smelled. Now it is bright and airy and showing off in all its glory and finally having got everything done I cannot see how we can stay – at least that’s what my head says.
Life is tough for everyone; it’s tough for us too. I give up how many hopeful traders pop up our drive thinking that just because we are in the big house we have dosh to spare.
“No sweethearts, I cannot spend £500 on a pair of Lutychens Benches and no I don’t care if that is a bargain I just don’t have the money even if I did want them!”
“No I don’t want a standard 12 year old box pyramid at £150, read my lips I don’t have the cash to spare.”
“If I could afford £3,000 to spray tar shingle my drive I promise I would do it but as it is are you joking!?”
All of these terribly nice people live in cloud cuckoo land a big house doesn’t necessarily mean a bored housewife who needs to shop in order to survive. It just might mean an idealistic couple who are getting a heavy dose of reality.
Living the dream is expensive and time consuming and my boys need us to be there for them and I don’t want to spend my time saying no because the house comes first in both time and money.
We were ridiculously naive when we bought the house and now we have to grow up and sell it.
But my heart is railing against my head and I really don’t want to do it.
This is our home, it’s where my boys were born, I grew up and became a mother and wife here, I’ve, no we’ve, all been through so much, poured so much of ourselves in this wonderful old place.
I just can’t leave.
I cannot even think of putting it on the market but that’s my heart speaking and it's my head that is in charge now…
On Friday the estate agent is dropping by and I truly am dreading what he is going to say my heart will just die if he values it to high as we'll have to sell but if he values it too low we're going to be stuck and that could be disaster for us financially...

13 comments:

Expat mum said...

You will get over it. It's always sad to leave places and move on, but everyone does it and at least you can see all the sensible reasons for doing so. I hope you make a packet!

Rob-bear said...

Oh, dear. Sorry you are in such a spot. We've "fixed up" homes and then moved on, and not made much money in the process. I understand.

I hope, on Friday, you find something with which your head agrees but which won't give you a heart attack.

Tattie Weasle said...

Expatmum - we need to make a packet but if we cover costs I'll be happy...and I could always do another!
Rob bear - it's my fervent hope too!

Trish @ Mums Gone To... said...

I'm quite tempted to buy it just looking at that view from your window. Fancy a house swap: nice modern home near good schools in Lincolnshire??

About Last Weekend said...

Every time you post on your house, I want to see more of it! its always looks like a house from a Jane Austen book, so elegant and light and airy. Having said that, as soon as the kids are gone, I want to sell our house and get an apartment, the maintenance even on a modern house is driving crazy.

Muddling Along said...

Tell me about it - we bought a do-uper and it turned out to be a moneypit - horrid dose of reality and we can't sell until we finish the thing and so are rather stuck and like you lack cash because it's all gone on the blasted house

Good luck on Friday

Tattie Weasle said...

Trish - careful now I am very tempted!
About Last Weekend - it is a gorgeous house and needs a rich husband to look after it a Mr Darcy would do!
Muddling Along - I love the place just wish I could afford it there again there is always hope that something will make it all ok coming round the corner...

janerowena said...

Funnily enough - I once lived in a huge moneypit in Lincolnshire! It gets a lot colder there in the winter than it does in Suffolk, and we just couldn't afford to heat it. Initially I fought against moving tooth and nail. I had a beautiful old rectory and I was standing in the kitchen wearing a coat, hat (I always wore a hat in Lincs during the winter and now rarely need them) and fingerless gloves, wondering how unhygienic it would be to cook dinner whilst still wearing the gloves. We now live in a 3/4 bed 1960 suffolk-cottage-style house with double glazing and it is WARM and far easier to maintain, although we do have a very large garden. Admittedly we are just about to tack on a conservatory to get a bit more space, and we have outbuildings that we have converted to provide a den for Son and a study for OH, but although I do miss my old neighbours and friends and the space I had in my house, the lack of worry about oil and wood and coal prices and whether the roof would need repairing again soon has far outweighed all of that.
Houses in Suffolk do sell well, don't despair. Aim for Londoners needing to move out for the same reasons. We made enough to clear our mounting debts with some to spare, but will never be rich. Just make sure you buy in an area that sells well.

Rob-bear said...

And how did the conversation with the estate agent go?

Lottie said...

Aw... sad whichever way it goes but if you do leave it, the memories of the house will always be with you even if the walls aren't xxx

Michelloui said...

Wow, this sounds amazingly similar to my situation in several ways! It's now past the Friday that you mention, I hope you had good news from the agent. Expat Mum is right, you will get over it. You will make a home in a new place! And without the same stresses, think how light you will feel!! x

janerowena said...

I can tell you that you will get over it - but I do still remember how physically sick I felt.

Tattie Weasle said...

janerowena/Rob Bear - the talk with the Estate Agent went well but I fear I am not ready to sell...
Lottie - I know the memories will still be there but...
Michelloui - I know it should be head over heart...just need to find the next project!

Go on you know you want to...

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