Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Black Dog Stalking...a real horror story.

I am being stalked by a black dog; sometimes his breath is hot on my neck at other times just a fleeting glimpse out of the corner of my eye but whatever, he is definitely here - haunting me.
How do I know?
Well my thinking is screwy…
My eldest says I am the meanest Mom on earth and as I stare at him nonplussed by his response to my request that he tidies his room and makes his bed, a part of my brain agrees.
I am mean.
I am stupid.
It were better that I was dead. I have nothing to offer my children that cannot be bettered by them being looked after by my parents or indeed anybody else.
I shake the thought off but in my confusion I respond to his obdurance by getting angry at his comment – it’s like I have no control whatsoever over my poisonous tongue and in my hurt I land up shouting and  raging at him and that bit in my brain goes: “See, look at you. Raging and screaming. That cannot be good for your children. Call yourself a mother – dream on.”
I know it is bad.
I know why it is bad and why I am being stalked.
It has been a difficult few months my relationship with my husband has been rocky, my fears that we are drifting apart, and my loneliness without him coming home every night, problems with my eldest at school, money worries, guilt. So much guilt.
When it gets like this I am fair game to the Black Dog and I have to get myself back under control.
It’s hard, so very hard.
I am eating wrong. I get guilty.
I am sleeping and not sleeping all at the wrong times. I get guilty.
I cannot be bothered with anything. I get guilty.
I want it all to stop but there is no let up.
I feel like I am going to explode.
I have to trust that I will get out of this even though I am not trusting.
I have to hope even though I don’t feel hopeful.
And all while this is going on I pray my friends will still be OK with me for I can say nothing because they won’t understand. Life is difficult for them too.
I hate depression.
I hate it with all my heart.
I hate it that it is so disabling.
And there are times that I wish to god that people could see the scars it makes and see that I am a good person underneath that I am deserving of their admiration that I am worth something because in spite of my depression I do manage most times to have a life – one that they frequently take for granted.

Please note: I am going through this now but I promise I am not going to kill myself. I made a promise that I would never, ever, leave my children. The thoughts about killing myself are just thoughts - things I have to mentally fight each and every day at present because I cannot afford for my screwy thinking to get the better of me.
I have promised.
If I said I am confident that I won't do anything silly that doesn't mean that it is a walk in the park and that I can just pull myself together; it takes a HUGE amount of will to get my brain to go blank, to distarct myself from those pernicious thoughts, the nagging that I am not good enough nor ever will be. 
I cant help but look at those who do not have this evil embodiment and I am jealous. But I know that i have to get thought this for there is no way out but thougth my own endeavour.
And sometimes I just don't feel like a hero in a movie, sometiems it feel like I haven't the strength. Sometimes I dont want to have to do it any more.
But in the end I have to fight it.
It's not pretty.
Its blood and gore.
And it is exhausting.
I ony hope that when I get thorough this that there are people I love waiting for me and that they don't think too badly of me and all the shit I put them through.


Michelloui | The American Resident said...

Oh Tattie. I know not much I type will help but I'm going to say some things anyway:

You know you are not alone in this.

You know that these are irrational thoughts and that all parents have a version of this, whether in the grip of depression or not. I frequently feel a great weight that I haven't given my 14 year old daughter a nice enough childhood and I find myself, before I can stop it, asking her 'do you feel like you had a nice childhood? Do you have good memories of your childhood?' And she always looks at me like I'm crazy and says 'I have loads of good memories!'

You know that things like practicing Mindfulness helps. This moment is where you need to be, not worrying about what might happen or fretting about what has happened. Practicing mindfulness helps us stop that horrible spin that draws us down.

And you know that you need to remind yourself that YOU are not your MIND and you can tell your mind what to think and you can also tell your mind to Foxtrot Oscar if it's trying to make you feel guilty for rubbish stuff. This is important, don't ever forget this one.

And you know that the blog is a great place to vent these feelings and a great place to hear others' stories and support for you. So listen :)


Anonymous said...

I can't pretend to know what real Black Dogs days are like Tattie. But I am sending you all the positive, life affirming vibes that I can. You aren't alone, as Michelleoui says, and you are central to your wonderful family.

If all else fails, deep breaths, fresh air, and silky dog ears to stroke.

Much love,

Anonymous said...

Depression, yes ticked that box, rocky patches on the relationship front- yes as well, took up smoking and have now stopped again, but all I say is keep on going. I have tried talking to a shrink, which was surprisingly effective, not drinking, which was more effective and getting exercise. Still do not sleep that well. Best advice the shrink gave me was not to think your self down, when you get into a spiral stop, go for a walk, make a cup of tea and do something else. Sounds trite but it works for me. Good luck and look after the dogs even if your children drive you mad.

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

Small children are exhausting and , occasionally a pain . And one's own small children even more so ... after all , they're specially designed to get right under one's skin .
You're doing brilliantly ... and soon you'll believe it again, too.
Meanwhile , a big hug !

Expat mum said...

Gosh Tattie - this is awful. Please tell me you're getting professional help. You're a brick to be dealing with this but you don't have to do it without help.

Potty Mummy said...

You are a worthwhile person who makes a difference in this world - every single day - even if the black dog tells you otherwise. Hold onto that. PM x

PantsWithNames said...

Oh Tattie. Much love. So hard.

You are so valued, so treasured, so special and so lovely.

And as Mud says, silky dog ears and fresh air can only help.

Big hugs. xxxx

Rob-bear said...

Oh, dear, Tattie! I do so recognize those symptoms! The Black Dog has moved in for the winter. He's trying to move in here, too. But I am developing some new strategies, along with taking some new chemicals, and the combination seems to be working. In spite of the fact that we got six inches of snow last night, after the freezing rain.

I do hope things pick up. Blessings and Bear hugs. (Write me through my e-mail if you want.)

Ladybird World Mother said...

I know that black dog. He comes here too. But I pray him away, because he doesn't have ANY place in my life. Pray him away too. And it's been a long time now since he really got into the heart of me, mind of me. Get on your knees, lovely friend, and ask God to tell that black dog to f*** off, although perhaps you better use nicer language to the Almighty! Don't think He'll be particularly bothered by language, bad or good.
Horrible for you... agree with Mud, silky dog ears are SO healing. And nice dog walks, cups of tea with homemade ginger biscuits (you need to taste ours... yum)
I know how sleep seems to be the only escape, and that you can only grab it when your wretched mind can switch off... I hope you can find some good night time sleep. So wonderful to wake in the morning feeling better.
All my love. Thinking of you. Bloody shame I don't live near you anymore. Would be bringing ginger biscuits and big arms to hug you. xxxxxxxx

Suburbia said...

Never say pull yourself together, it is never that easy.
And they will always love you, no matter what.
Take care, thinking of you...

Kath said...

Your not mean and your not stupid, your the same wonderful person you where before you felt these problems, email me if you want to tale it over.

Michelle Hanlon said...

This post moved me as I could relate to elements of it. Especially bout the friends - you never know how people will react nor if they are willing to 'wait' as it were for you to be ready to intereact again. I hope that you find solace and comfort xXx

Muddling Along said...

Sending love, hugs and understanding and my wishes that you will find a day where there is no black dog very soon

Trish @ Mums Gone To... said...

Have only just found this post so just wanted to say I hope things are better since you wrote this. Let's hope the cloud has lifted and you can focus again.
lots of love xx

Beadzoid said...

Oh Tattie, I'm so sorry you have been feeling this way. You are most definitely not alone (been through this periodically and indeed very recently myself). I know this article is a couple of weeks old now so I hope that you are seeing a little chink of light amongst the black. I'm sure you probably have a good support network but if you ever want to chat then send me a message :)

Just keep in mind the knowledge that this isn't the real you and the darkness it WILL end. xx

moors- mummy said...

Tattie, sending you the hugest of hugs. You are not alone. I know exactly how you feel but there are always people out there to help and support you!

Go on you know you want to...


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