Thursday, 17 May 2012

Grief

Tattie Whippet - My dog
It overwhelms you and you cannot do anything. This huge physical wave of emotion, choking you up so you feel like you are drowning.
You have to gasp for breath, not realising you haven't been breathing.
A sob escapes you and you'd not realised you were holding it in; and then the tears fall and you brush them away angry that you should feel anything at all when you long for it to stop.
To go away.
So hollow.
And I am so angry because, I shouldn't be feeling this way,.
I shouldn't be allowing myself to be subsumed in it all.
It's a dog for God's sake! It's not my Nan or my Granny. Not my mum or dad, my husband or my children.
But I feel like I will explode with it all if I don't cry and then I don't want to cry, I don't want to give in to this monster called grief.
Because that is what it is; an overwhelming sadness that starts right where my heart should be and it paralyses my thoughts, my body, my everything.
And all I feel is an emptiness
A loss that really shouldn't be there.
I hugged her all last night, curled around her keeping her safe. I knew she was dying - that hit my like a brick suddenly, as I was undressing. My beautiful dog was dying right before my eyes. There was nothing I could do, not then at 11 o'clock at night.
She was so weak, she could barely stand but when I asked her to she just did when she'd have much preferred not to; but they do that, dogs, don't they? They'd do anything you ask, because you asked.
I slept last night expecting to wake to the fact that she'd be gone. That she'd be cold in my arms. But she's made of sterner stuff.
She's still alive - just.
And now I long for her to die because that is the way of things, the proper way nature deals with things like this. But I can't do that. In my grief I am selfish. I want her to live. I don't want her to go now. I need her. She's my dog. So she's at the vet's. They're trying to save her and I am crying because I have to face the inevitable and I don't want to.
I have spoken with the vet. I've said stabilise her, do the scans, find out why this is happening, why it is happening so fast, why I have had no warning.
Though I know what they'll find. They've already told me their suspicions.
A tumour.
I don't want to hear it.
I don't.
Decisions then.
Waiting.
Grief.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

I can't do this but I have to.
She's my dog.
My responsibility.
I'll hear what they say and I'll make a decision.
Whatever happens I want her home.
And then, then I'll be able to breathe...


13 comments:

Abi said...

I am so sorry to hear that poor lovely Tattie is unwell. I don't think there's really any such thing as 'just' a dog.

Kristy said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Tattie. Tattie has entertained me with some great reading. Dogs are a part of our family and it is natural to be overwhelmed with emotion. It is normal. It even choked me up reading this.

Potty Mummy said...

So sorry. x

Minerva Black the shop keeping cat said...

I am so very very sorry to read this. She is beautiful as so many of our 4 legged friends are. Dogs are so loyal and giving, she would not want you to deny yourself the grief you need to let out. When I lost my dearest hound so many many years ago my vet was wonderful and sent me a note which said that as long as they are in our hearts they live on. If you must let her go, allow yourself to miss her and cry so that later you can remember her with joy. The joy which she shared with you and wanted you to have. Hugs x

Tattie Weasle said...

Abi - Thank you. All is quiet vet front I can only surmise that no news is good news...
Kristy - I see her everywhere but I am holding on. She's made of stern stuff that whippet I could learn a thing or two!
Potty Mummy - crossing fingers. The boys don't really understand. I don;t want them too. But they are crossing fingers too...

Tattie Weasle said...

Minerva Balck - What wonderful words. I am crossing fingeres like mad. No news is good news from the vets..never knew such a small dog could leave such a large hole...

PantsWithNames said...

So sorry Tattie, just so very very sorry. x

Domestic Goddesque said...

OH God, how awful for you, for you all. As Abi says, there is no such thing as just a dog. Thinking of you x

Ladybird World Mother said...

Oh Tattie, I am so sorry.I just hope that you are coping with the wait. They fill your heart with such love, these dogs of ours, and the gap when they might go is so huge it takes the stuffing out of us. And rips out our hearts at the same time. All my love. Fingers tightly crossed. xxxx

Sandie said...

Poor Tattie, poor you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all alright for both of you.
A dog is never just a dog, as you know now.
My heart aches for you, I still miss my little dog so much, there's hardly a day goes by I don't think about him and his feline friend Harry who met up with him a couple of months later.

Like that soppy saying, Pets leave pawprints on your heart...TRUE.

Take care of yourself too, and breathe.
Hugs,

Sandie xx

Expat mum said...

Aahh. So sorry Tattie. Here's a few words from someone who's lost a lot of people in her life - you will (and should) grieve. Unfortunately, there's nothing anyone can say to make this lighter, and you do have to go through it. If I knew the words to take this pain away from you I would say them now, but there's really nothing.

A dog is a family member, and often, because they love you unconditionally and are so innocent, more loved. No one can tell you not to grieve them; yes, they're not human, but so what?

With animals however, they don't have the same emotion about death. Animals (such as cats) who know they are dying, often go off and find a private place. No human interaction needed. The ones that might have to be put to sleep, don't know what is coming, and literally go to sleep. We had to do that with my family dog and while it was the only thing we could do, it broke my heart. (The vet said he could keep her alive for perhaps another month - but really?)

And, your grief will find a place in your heart. The raw/numb feeling will give way to acceptance. No one ever forgets a loved one/pet; you don't "get over it", you get through it and move to a different place,

but if she's in pain Tattie, let her go.

Rob-bear said...

Oh, Tattie. I am so sorry to hear this horrid news. I don't have any wisdom to offer. Dogs have been part of our family for a long time. Losing a family member is such a difficult thing. Even the thought of losing one is bad enough.

Blessings and Bear hugs in a difficult time. .

Jen Walshaw said...

I am so sorry

Go on you know you want to...

LinkWithin

Blog Widget by LinkWithin