|Tattie Whippet - My dog|
You have to gasp for breath, not realising you haven't been breathing.
A sob escapes you and you'd not realised you were holding it in; and then the tears fall and you brush them away angry that you should feel anything at all when you long for it to stop.
To go away.
And I am so angry because, I shouldn't be feeling this way,.
I shouldn't be allowing myself to be subsumed in it all.
It's a dog for God's sake! It's not my Nan or my Granny. Not my mum or dad, my husband or my children.
But I feel like I will explode with it all if I don't cry and then I don't want to cry, I don't want to give in to this monster called grief.
Because that is what it is; an overwhelming sadness that starts right where my heart should be and it paralyses my thoughts, my body, my everything.
And all I feel is an emptiness
A loss that really shouldn't be there.
I hugged her all last night, curled around her keeping her safe. I knew she was dying - that hit my like a brick suddenly, as I was undressing. My beautiful dog was dying right before my eyes. There was nothing I could do, not then at 11 o'clock at night.
She was so weak, she could barely stand but when I asked her to she just did when she'd have much preferred not to; but they do that, dogs, don't they? They'd do anything you ask, because you asked.
I slept last night expecting to wake to the fact that she'd be gone. That she'd be cold in my arms. But she's made of sterner stuff.
She's still alive - just.
And now I long for her to die because that is the way of things, the proper way nature deals with things like this. But I can't do that. In my grief I am selfish. I want her to live. I don't want her to go now. I need her. She's my dog. So she's at the vet's. They're trying to save her and I am crying because I have to face the inevitable and I don't want to.
I have spoken with the vet. I've said stabilise her, do the scans, find out why this is happening, why it is happening so fast, why I have had no warning.
Though I know what they'll find. They've already told me their suspicions.
I don't want to hear it.
I can't do this but I have to.
She's my dog.
I'll hear what they say and I'll make a decision.
Whatever happens I want her home.
And then, then I'll be able to breathe...