Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Not knowing what I want...

For months now I've not known what I want from my marriage. I try to think of the things I don't want: to be patronised, to be told what to do all the time to be criticised for being too negative, too messy, too disorganised, too grumpy, too forgetful.
These are not things that have just happend they seem to have always been there. And it is not as if he his a bad man far from it but we have drifted from being lovers and friends to being parents and strangers. The lovers bit has been strained for many years before the boys were born because as I have said to him I want an accomplice not another father - he just doesn't get it. I don't need a knight in shining armour I neet a partner in crime.
I did try I tried so hard and now I just feel tried out. He says I've been sulking these last few days. I said I have not far from it; he says then I've been cross. Well no shit Sherlock! But to call me cross would be futile for I haven't got the energy to be cross with him. I don't feel any anger - I feel nothing really.
He sent me an e-mail saying we have to discuss the situation and why don't we do it at this really amazing restaurant. When I read it I thought here we go; I'll say no and then he'll say well don't say I didn't try to take you somewhere nice! But for F**ks sake do I have to go to these great lengths just to be taken out to a decent restaurant! Sorry just to be taken out!!?? You guessed it when I said this evening why did we have to go out to disucss the situation he got all on his high horse about him taking me out basicaly meaning I should be grateful. I said it seemed stupid for me to go to all this trouble...that's when he asaid I was sulking. I replied that he only said these things to make himself feel better and to allow him to square his conscience so he could prove to himself that I was the unreasonable party. I also called him a t****r but not when he could hear. Somehow it felt good.
But gettng back to the point at hand what do I want? Do I want to leave him? What with two boys, no career to speak of and no savings - are you joking? What choice do I have! Of course I have to stay. So it's a case of on what terms...and that is just what Idon't know. I do like him, I have been in love with him, I just don't think I am now.
So all of you wonderful people out there forgive me for not respondng to you, for not visiting as I should. I thnk I need to prioritise. It would just be so much easier if I knew what I wanted.

13 comments:

EminEm said...

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ل , forexu , forex




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Ladybird World Mother said...

Ouch. Hugs as ever. And my only word on the topic, of which I am Queen, is communication. Talking helps. To each other. To a close friend. More hugs. xxx

Gappy said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a tough time and that you feel so trapped in a situation that is making you unhappy.

Do you think that if you were able to just go, you would?

Take care of yourself. x

Exmoorjane said...

Oh honey....I can understand this...I think it's so tough when you've got children to remember that you were once just you two. We often wander round as if we are on different planets..sometimes I wonder what is the point? Then we get a chance to reconnect and it's all okay. Hope that could be so for you..but whatever it is, feel free to yell if you want to offload.
Biggest of big hugs.... jxxxx

Expat mum said...

Oh poo. What about some counselling? The problem with trying to talk it out on your own is that you start from corners, like a boxing match, and it just goes downhill from there.
It is possible to fall back in love with someone or at least to get to a better place than the one you're in now.
xx

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

Couldn't you perhaps agree NOT to discuss the situation and just go out somewhere nice without all the distractions ?
Sometimes , when I feel like murdering Husband , a day away together works wonders . I remember what it was about him that I found so splendid all those years ago .
Gives him a chance too to remember a less ratty me !

Lisa said...

My suggestion, if you want suggestions, is to find some sort of marital counseling, if it's available. (I'm in the USA, so hopefully you have a British counterpart for marital counseling)

If you find a good counselor and you both are willing to work on it, then some good *can* come out of it.

snailbeachshepherdess said...

Hello you - we are watching the same situation here with the next generation- it's no easier and we havent got the magic wand to make it all better - I only wish we had! It is possible to get through it - its just a hell of a bumpy ride.
take care
J

mollygolver said...

I so agree with everything everybody else has said. A big purple hug from me too. xxx

PearleY建佑 said...

faith will move mountains. ..................................................

Mud in the City said...

So sorry, sending hugs.
xx

新順 said...

期待你的下次更新喔^____^..................................................................

monkeymummy said...

I feel so sad for you all. I hope you can all find some happiness soon whether thats together or apart. I know a lot of people stay together for the kids but I remember a horrible few months when I was little of my dad leaving then coming back then leaving again.... like they couldn't decide what to do for the best. Its all just a big pile of stinky poo.

Big hugs x

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