For months now I've not known what I want from my marriage. I try to think of the things I don't want: to be patronised, to be told what to do all the time to be criticised for being too negative, too messy, too disorganised, too grumpy, too forgetful.
These are not things that have just happend they seem to have always been there. And it is not as if he his a bad man far from it but we have drifted from being lovers and friends to being parents and strangers. The lovers bit has been strained for many years before the boys were born because as I have said to him I want an accomplice not another father - he just doesn't get it. I don't need a knight in shining armour I neet a partner in crime.
I did try I tried so hard and now I just feel tried out. He says I've been sulking these last few days. I said I have not far from it; he says then I've been cross. Well no shit Sherlock! But to call me cross would be futile for I haven't got the energy to be cross with him. I don't feel any anger - I feel nothing really.
He sent me an e-mail saying we have to discuss the situation and why don't we do it at this really amazing restaurant. When I read it I thought here we go; I'll say no and then he'll say well don't say I didn't try to take you somewhere nice! But for F**ks sake do I have to go to these great lengths just to be taken out to a decent restaurant! Sorry just to be taken out!!?? You guessed it when I said this evening why did we have to go out to disucss the situation he got all on his high horse about him taking me out basicaly meaning I should be grateful. I said it seemed stupid for me to go to all this trouble...that's when he asaid I was sulking. I replied that he only said these things to make himself feel better and to allow him to square his conscience so he could prove to himself that I was the unreasonable party. I also called him a t****r but not when he could hear. Somehow it felt good.
But gettng back to the point at hand what do I want? Do I want to leave him? What with two boys, no career to speak of and no savings - are you joking? What choice do I have! Of course I have to stay. So it's a case of on what terms...and that is just what Idon't know. I do like him, I have been in love with him, I just don't think I am now.
So all of you wonderful people out there forgive me for not respondng to you, for not visiting as I should. I thnk I need to prioritise. It would just be so much easier if I knew what I wanted.