Monday, 26 January 2009

Looking like something the cat sicked up…

When I next manage to go out running I am going to look like something the cat sicked up. And I will do this voluntarily. I will walk out of the house knowing exactly what I look like, which will be seen by my mother as a step in the right direction, as I have never been known to check what I look like before leaving the forgiving environs of my own home.
In fact I have never been known to check what I look like even within my own home, as for many years my dressing mirror was obscured by a huge pile of pictures waiting to be hung on the walls. It wasn’t until recently when the walls were ready for pictures to grace them that I remembered there was a looking glass in my dressing room. It came as quite a shock, I can tell you. I could not figure out who the slightly crazed apparition was before me, I couldn’t remember having a portrait of my Grandmother and then it dawned on me that I was looking at myself – a far cry from the image I had been carrying around in my mind all these years. That had been of a more youthful version, less grey, slightly firmer round the jaw, more defined. I’d like to say that when I finally brushed the dust off the mirror I was all I ever was, but reality, like bright mirrors, is harsh.
However, I digress, despite the changes wrought in me over the years, there are many who can verify that I don’t look like cat sick on a daily basis. No, the reason why I will be looking highly dubious, is that The Boy and The Littlest feel I need to be seen. I need to be violently seen or seen violently. To be honest anyone who does see me will attest to the violence of the apparition that will be me. I just hope I won’t be the cause too many accidents for that is the whole reason why the Boys are determined Mum will be seen.
They have just watched a video all about The Girl Who Didn't Dress Bright in the Dark part of the Government’s road safety campaign this winter and having worked out that they have plenty of bright stuff to be seen in it has dawned on them that their erstwhile parent goes out training for the Flora London Marathon dressed head to toe in black.
Now, the whole point of running attire is that it is black, or at least a dark colour, because that is what is the MOST flattering for the majority of us who run. Come off it, not all of us are built like whippets especially those who have only just taken up the call. I mean there have to be some perks as you abase yourself publicly on the open road. In fact I have taken to silently saluting the courage, chutzpah and well, just down right grit of all those ladies young and old I note jogging round Stowmarket and its environs – J-Lo eat your heart out the booty on these sisters is magnificent to behold!
Having raided my drawers, chests, cupboards, and an unending variety of boxes, bags and other interesting receptacles in the hunt for things eye wateringly bright the boys settled on an array of garments and accessories that when added together look like something the cat sicked up and I am going to have to wear it. The things I am doing to raise money for my charity Epilepsy Action I am beginning to feel are beyond the call of duty...
The violence of the ensemble would make even Vivienne Westwood pale. Upon my head is an old red cycling bandanna appliqued with day glo yellow pom poms left over from my Parent Trumping Christmas Card making blitz last year, this is teamed by an awe inspiring, and again day glo yellow, oversize jumper with 1980’s string vest top twist also in day glo yellow and adorned with silver stripes both front and back. My once pristine Nike trainers have been customised with pink sparkly pom poms tied to the laces. Around each cuff I have old bicycle lights, which I am told, most seriously, I will have to have switched to intermittent flash for the best protection. My worry is not for myself anymore but to other poor innocent road users…luckily though I have yet to recover sufficiently from the dreaded lurgy to launch myself upon an unwitting audience - take heed now they won't let me incarcerated for long however much I cough!

12 comments:

Potty Mummy said...

Oh, I'm laughing... Photographs, please!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Crikey you'll get flattened in the dark wearing all that black! best stick some reflective sticky tape on your arse in case some big flippin hum vee runs you over!

Pondside said...

You must truly be a vision! I'd like to see you running at the side of the road - or at least watch the drivers as they come up behind you. I'm sure your little ones must be happy to know that you take this all so seriously!

lampworkbeader said...

I say hooray for the boys, how sensible of them to get you sorted out. Now will they come round and have a word with my keen mountain biker, who will not wear the nice dayglo jacket I bought him.

My Little Brown Book said...

My sides are hurting!!

I'm with Potty Mummy on this one - photographs please!!

Mud in the City said...

Wow! What an image!

ChrisH said...

Truly, you MUST be seen, it's very important. Good luck with the training, Chris (luminous yellow top, luminous gloves - who cares so long as I don't get run over.)

Expat mum said...

I would be more worried about any other pedestrians around you. Drivers will raise their arms to shield their eyes from the cat-sick alien that has surely landed from above, - and plow straight into innocent by-standers. I can just see the headlines.

Cait O'Connor said...

I really think we need a photo!

Pam said...

I'm with the others - photo please! On the cat-sick thing,was in a restaurant recently when the waiter waltzed passed, with what could only be described as a blob of that on a plate.Think the recipient thought so too, and very expensive cat-sick at that!The disappointment on the diner's face bordered on profound.Visually, no matter how bad, you'd have to look better than what I saw served up that night...and talk about value for money,I bet your whole outfit comes to half the price of that "mmm..that looks interesting(moan)" meal.At least you won't get poked. Aww c'mon!! With a fork I mean!

KittyB said...

Tres chic ducky! You looked lovely when I saw you - mirror or no.

bodran... said...

HahA you'll be causing crashes girl, definatly a photo oppertunity please xx

Go on you know you want to...

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