Just finished a wonderful dinner party - yes they still happen you know. And we were all talking about things past, girlfriends, boyfriends things we got up to in the 80s (OK I'm showing my age here) and of course celebrating the fact that we had been married 10 years! I was asked what was it like. What was the best bit and I remembered what it was - finding out I was pregnant not for the first time but the third and realising that THIS time it would be for keeps. This time I wouldn't miscarry...I wrote this at the time in 2002...
I have NEVER been so tired in all my life and the effort to do things just makes me feel even worse. Then I get really annoyed and start to worry and get all muddles up which of course makes me even more tired.
When will it end!!!???
But the good news is I have a baby in me – yippee. I went for my scan last Friday and the first thing they did was go straight to the wee sac and I could see immediately that there was something definitely in there and it had a heartbeat.
I burst into tears - up until then I had no idea I was so worried – another reason for my tiredness says Mum. Charlie blew it all though because he says when I saw the Doctor I made him and the doc uncomfortable “going on” about how scared of the medical profession I was.
He’s not the one having the baby as I righteously pointed out. I did not think I was going on and I tried to explain to him that I have only had one real fear in my life and that was giving birth and now I have actually voluntarily put my hand up for it! I don’t think he understood at all.
I was only eight years old when I had my sex education at school and I will say so myself I was very young for my age – not that I was stupid or anything just naïve with a very big imagination and a deep sense of empathy.
The whole thing was very shocking to me and they did a no holds barred natural birth plus sound effects. Absolutely horrendous and this was 1975 – a real long time ago. Up until I was 27 I was determined never to have children because of it. Other peoples birthing horror stories and the portrayal of birth in the movies and books etc did not induce me otherwise. Luckily I suppose common sense has prevailed and a sense of the great scheme of things has put everything into perspective. I am still very concerned about it. I am sure that if I weren’t frightened of doctors as well it would help. I am not good on needles….
I really don’t know how I am going to react. I do know I have to do something about it fast or the whole experience will ruin the relationship I will have with my baby. It did for my mother. They were barbaric – that doesn’t help either….
I am going to try to attend all the antenatal classes plus relaxation ones too; I am also getting in touch with a hypnotherapist as I read about it in an article since I really am sacred of needles etc. We will see.
Oh as well as the tiredness, I am now feeling permanently slightly motion sick – sipping hot Ribena helps and keeping off the fatty foods does too. Nice clean foods is what I need but still can’t face eating my greens – sense of smell highly acute and the smell of milk, cheese and meat is horrendous – Dear Charlie and the builders are eating out most nights I sip consommé soup and eat lemon sorbet and strawberries – yummy!
PS Picture shows Woman in Blue by Johannes Vermeer. There is great debate about whether some of the women in Vermeer's paintings are actually pregnant.