Tuesday, 10 August 2010

The Choice...


Sometimes when you have been away it seems like forever and the return to reality is surreal. It takes a while to get grounded again or should I say ground down? I don’t think I will though for far too much has happened.
I’ve been worriting as they say round here, about me, about my life and about how I am not quite satisfied with it. About the lonliness and the lovelessness. And I’ve had a while to think and  to talk with the important people in my life – my family.
I was ready to leave, pack up and just go, run away if you like and do something, anything else. I wanted to stop being a wife, a mother and try to regain being me but when the crunch came, even though I had the tacit support of my parents and sister; I could not do it.
The bonds of love were too strong, even for me.
The love I have for my boys was obvious, although probably not always to them and then there was the love I have for my husband. I thought it had all gone, dried up as dust. I thought: what was the point?
But I was so, so wrong.
There was something there and it was worth fighting for. We talked. Well initially we fought. I swore I would go and I packed up and got everything in the car. I walked down to the beach to give him the key of the Caravan and without turning back for  a last look at him and the boys walked the quarter of a mile back to the car and it dawned on me, as I sat in there, ready to drive off, that this really was IT.
I stalled.
I called my sister.
I asked for her support. Not to take sides but just to be there. And in not so many words I asked what I should do. She didn’t tell me but she did spell out my options.
Leave, stay or talk it through.
I said what was the point in talking it through again, nothing would change. She was silent at the other end of the line and it dawned on me: I was facing the biggest choice in my life. A decision that only I could take. Nothing would be lost at this stage by talking it through except some pride on my behalf. And let’s be honest what’s a bit of pride in the great context of the irrevocable decision I was about to take.
A little more time.
One more try.
So I swallowed my pride, I raised my chin and sighed; “Here I go again.”
They found me waiting in the car, the boys were thrilled I was still there, my husband a tad more wary but perhaps relieved as well.
And we talked.
I was still going to leave. I needed time on my own. Time without him.
He said he’d go, if that was what I wanted.
No, I’d go. He got to see the children so little, it would not be fair if he went.
And I didn’t want him to go. I wanted him to understand.
Wanted everything to stop and when I restarted it all, for everything to be right again.
We talked. And talked. About everything and nothing.
We slept.
Separately.
We got up and talked some more.
The Boy said: Which one of you is leaving?
We looked at each other, gauging each other, weighing up the enormity of the plea. And it was my decision.
None of us I said.

16 comments:

PantsWithNames said...

Oh Tattie. You are talking - that can be the most difficult step to take. I really hope that you can talk openly and honestly and find a way to work it all through. So hard though. The biggest hugs. xxx

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

Oh that's great news. That's made my morning. Have been reading your posts about how you were feeling and was so hoping it would turn out well for you and your family.

Tattie Weasle said...

Pantswithnames - yes we are talking and it is open and honest. Progress I think you call it and a lighter heart and even a smile, actually a laugh!

Tattie Weasle said...

Trish@Mum's gone to - Thank you, it's made my mornings too! It really helped writing it all down and being able to read it over. And of course all the wonderful comments helped me look at the problem on a wider scale, well enough for me to stall while I sat in the car and think of phoning my sister...

Jude said...

So glad you stalled - I've been worried about you. Perhaps I should've put a comment on your previous posts, but sometimes it's so difficult to know what to say without it sounding superficial or crass. As you say, it was a decision that only you could take.

toady said...

Oh Tattie that was so brave to write all down and share it. I hope that you can talk it through and there is a good outcome. I think most people would be liars if they said they hadn't got to that point themselves. I read your last post too and I have been there, still there!!

Danielle said...

What a brave post to write. And sharing it with us all. I can believe lots of people go through this and dont have the courage to deal with it as you did. Lots of mother probably stiffle it and ignore their feelings and do what they think is best for their family but ultimately that may not be bet for themselves. Way to face it head on, inspirational. I'll be checking back to see how things turned out. Hoping for the best for you.

Mud in the City said...

God Tattie - the enormity! So impressed you went for possibly the hardest option, but the one that has to be the right thing for your family. Talking about all that stuff is hideous, but you owe it to yourself to be brave and give it a go. Sending tons of hugs to Blighty!

Tattie Weasle said...

Jude - You concern has realy touched me. It was a decision only I could make adn I am very glad I stalled...
Toady - I think we have the best outcome in that we are talking and more importnatly we are listening to each other. I feel a lightness of being and it ios wonderful. I'll try to keep my feet on the ground though, it's still going to be hard work.
Danielle - Thank you! I don't believe I am very courageous quite the opposite in fact. But I do know I won't give up. The scary thing was I thought he actually might give up on me. Luckily he wants to work at this too. Crossing fingers!
Mud - oh I need those hugs! We are both being brave - so brave in fact we are daring to go out together for a meal, mid week! I'm really looking forward to it...

mountainear said...

Wishing you all the best. Hope the talking works - communication is a great thing. x

Ladybird World Mother said...

Oh my word... well, YOUR word actually! What a post, and how brave you are. And isn't talking it all through BLOODY MARVELLOUS! I too have moments when I think I cant possibly carry on ONE MORE MOMENT. But good honest talking and communication... real communication, does utter wonders. And all the rage and fury just goes. My mother once flushed my father's hearing aid down the loo in her frustration! And another time cooked it in the aga. I love to hear about her times in her marriage (she still is to my dad but its a quieter time now!) We all have it, and a good marriage isnt one that goes well all the time but one that weathers the bad with the good. And having kids and being a mother and a wife is BLOODY HARD WORK!
Love your honesty, Tattie, and wish I lived down the road and could give you a massive hug. All will be well. I can see the smile now in your comments to everyone. good to see.
Oh, and at the wedding I went to this weekend... the priest said that love doesn't sustain marriage. Marriage sustains love. How about that.
Hugs galore. xxxxx

elizabethm said...

I am so glad to read your decision. Keep talking! Take care of yourself and all those you love.

mollygolver said...

Oh Tattie - I can't tell you how pleased I am. We all go through these blips, yes we do, all of us - and we come out stronger on the other side, you'll see. Keep working at it, it's worth it!

Tattie Weasle said...

Mountainear - never realised just how important it was! Promise I'll keep all lines open...
LWM - Wish you were just down the road though I fear if you'd told me about what your mother did with the hearing aids I would have snarfed my tea in a most unbecoming way all over your kitchen table.
Sometimes these priests have a great handle on life: marriage/relationships sustain love: spot on!
elizabethm - I'll keep talking late into the night, and I won't forget to listen too!
Miollygolver - I think it's worth it too.
Thank you all so much for your support, I don't think any of you know just how much it helps!

Gappy said...

This has been fantastic to read Tattie. I can only imagine how hard all this has been for you. I really am sending you all my very best. xxx

Tattie Weasle said...

Gappy - Thank you. It is hard luckily I'm only just beginning to realise that's how it has been this last year. The release is wonderful and hopefully will help me over the rocky bits in the weeks to come.
The best bit in all this is that while we have talked we've also touched; I never noticed how much I missed that!

Go on you know you want to...

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